Our Children are Not Problems to Solve- They are People to Love |

I was picking toys off of the living room floor and the thought came, almost audible- “Your children are not problems to solve, Ashley. They are people, made in my image to love.”

I’m not sure if it was the Lord speaking or a phrase I read somewhere, but I heard it and I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.

When they laid our first sweet big baby boy on my chest after two days of induced labor and traumatically cutting the cord that was tightly wound around his neck three times, I breathed a sigh of relief. Tears of gratitude dripped down my cheeks. We walked through a miscarriage almost a year before, and seeing this person- this image bearer of God, the one who I’d carried in my womb for nine months outside of me- breathing and whole, it was almost too much to bare. This rainbow baby was everything I had ever hoped for. Until about two hours later when his screams wouldn’t stop. I thought, “It’s okay- we read so many books. He’s just in his fourth-trimester and having a hard time adjusting to life outside the womb. We’ve got this. The 5 s’s- okay, here we go…”, my dear husband and I took shifts swaddling tightly, shushing, swaying, throwing out the fear of “nipple confusion” and offering every paci we had brought in our bag. But when ever we would lay him down and try to catch a moment’s rest (I hadn’t slept in two days), he would scream. So I slept (ish) with him on me on the boppy for most of the night. The nurse came in and told me I shouldn’t sleep with my baby in the bed with me, and already feeling like I was failing at all the important “shoulds”– I didn’t know what to do. Lactation consultants came in. He wouldn’t latch- “Here use this: a nipple shield.” Little did I know, that one choice would lead to many issues down the road and a lot of shame as I failed at yet another mark of good mothering I had built up in my mind.

At first, I truly thought Caleb’s crying was “normal”. I had no idea what to expect, and I was just so thankful God had given us a baby. But when days turned into weeks that turned into months that added up to more than half a year of trying all.the.things- and I do mean all of the things, I became distraught, defeated- exhausted. You can read about some of those lessons here (My First 6 weeks as a Mom (spoiler alert, it’s way HARDER than I thought!), here (My Baby Won’t Sleep) and here (Reflections on BSF and the Life of Moses). I have since learned, we were not alone in our experience, though it seemed that every other person I knew at the time who had a baby would just happily lay in his or her carseat, slept for hours at a time and had no issues breastfeeding.

God was gracious then, and He’s continues to be so very gracious to me. He taught me many things as He humbled me during my first year of mothering. I thought surely our second baby would be so much easier. Everyone said that’s how it worked: “hard” first baby, then “chill” second baby- right? When David, who arrived 17 months after his big brother came on to the scene- I was full of hope. Except, it was quickly shattered when he slept even less than his big brother had, and cried so much every time he was in his car seat he even made himself throw up a few times. Wanting to find joy, and fighting hard to enjoy those sweet months of two under two, I battled- I prayed, I read, I researched. Oh, how I researched. I eliminated so many things from my diet. I tried so very hard to solve all of the problems. During the first 6 weeks of David’s life I, recovering from a horrible c-section, took my brand new baby and 17 month old to 10 different doctors for various things (the toddler had a horrible mystery face rash that wouldn’t go away for 9 months and the baby had to see a cardiologist, audiologist, ophthalmologist, just to name a few). Overcome by what-ifs and worries, I was in short- a mess.

photo credit: Kate Miller of Kat E Photography

A year later, we were finally easing into a routine with many more good days than bad, and God surprised us with a positive pregnancy test. A high risk pregnancy on more than one account, I had many, many appointments all while trying to keep our house spotless (it was on the market and fell through 3 times). Although Bryan encouraged me to keep my expectations on the floor low- “we just make hard babies“- we had both resolved, I have to admit I held on to just at tiny bit of hope that this sweet baby would be easy. A failed VBAC, post-partum preeclampsia, and another lip-tie, tongue-tied baby who screamed not quite as much as his brothers, but almost (or maybe our tolerance for crying had just increased) proved Bryan was right. Again, for the third time in about 3 years we were walking down this all too familiar road. Thankful for his life- oh so thankful for his life, but also so, so tired. I felt let down. But I wanted to be done obsessing with the “hardness” of it all and trying to escape whatever “problem” a new stage or phase presented- our constant mantra was, “This is a stage and it will pass”, but I became bitter, grumbled a lot and compared even more, just wondering, “Why? Why Lord- haven’t we learned enough?” I’ve since learned that hardness is relative and really, I don’t have a right to complain. 0. Nada. There are so many who have much more difficult journeys to walk. Do some have it easier? Sure! Do some have it harder? You bet. Hardness is about perspective. We can be kind to one another and let hard be hard- relating to each other in empathy and compassion instead of measuring our hardness against one another. Every single thing we’ve been given is a gift. And most of all, Christ- Jesus’s presence in it all. (Read more pondering on this topic here: When I don’t feel thankful, Prescription for Contentment, and If Only)

We can be kind to one another and let hard be hard- relating to each other in empathy and compassion instead of measuring our hardness against one another.

So as I was cleaning and I heard that voice- it was as if a light bulb turned on (excuse the cliche). All of these years- have I just seen these precious boys as problems to solve? Surely, not all of the time- but how often do I relate to them with this thinking?

Problems to Solve:

As soon as we begin to think about starting a family, the problems present themselves. Infertility, miscarriage, birth plans that falter, colic, lack of sleep, breastfeeding problems, baby-proofing, skin rashes, digestive issues, milestones that aren’t reached soon enough, special needs, sensitivities, tantrums and discipline, and then there’s all the transitions: to solid food, to the bed from the crib, paci-weaning, potty-training, and the endless amount of choices and review sifting when it comes to things like baby products, how to celebrate holidays and birthdays, what toys to buy, what schools and activities to enroll in- not to mention the most important things- like how to teach them to be loving, kind, generous, grateful- the list never-ending, as one phase quickly morphs into another. Some how the last time he picked up his once-favorite car to play with was the last time and now the once prized possession sits collecting dust in the bottom of the play bin (can you tell we just saw Toy Story 4?).

I used to solve problems for a living (I have my Masters in Mathematics and was a Calculus teacher for seven years before becoming a SAHM), and I had no idea how much this mind set would translate to motherhood. After all, it’s a lot of what this space is used for- to encourage other mamas who are walking where I’ve just walked- to give advice, hope and share things that have been good tools for our family, and may help yours, too. And, of course there is value to receiving and giving advice: “When there is no guidance a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.” Proverbs 11:14

But, how could I miss it – this subtle shift in focus that has so often robbed my joy, as I brace myself for the next problem (because we all know it will come) instead of enjoying the phase I find myself currently in and loving well the people at my feet?

Little People, Made in God’s Image- to Love:

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments depend all the Law and the Prophets.”Matthew 22:37-40

I shared this post on instagram a few months ago:

https://www.instagram.com/p/BsPYU_4BIcv/?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet

So maybe I overcomplicate things (someone who knows me well is nodding their head as they read this). Maybe instead of frantically trying to know all of the things, a better question to ask would be, “Lord, how can I love them (my closest neighbors) well today?”

They aren’t some how less important people just because they are younger than us. They are people, too, image-bearers, God has given to love.

What does loving look like? That’s where wisdom comes in. It most definitely doesn’t mean letting them do whatever they want without bound. And we cannot give what we don’t have. We have to have full cups- lavished in His love first, keeping Him first (Ephesians 1:8)- to pour into theirs. Loving takes many forms during these little years: disciplining, laughing, playing, meeting needs, encouraging, teaching, preparing, listening, relating, to name a few- in short- treating them how we want to be treated- and yes, maybe a little help problem-solving, too because they’re dependent on us, after all. So tonight when the three year old cries and has trouble going to bed for the I’ve-lost-count-how-many-nights-in-a-row time, Lord, help us remember to love him well- to be patient, kind, firm and fair, and to remember that you are the source of all Life, and that this too, shall pass. Let’s not miss your goodness and what you’re doing in us to form us more into your Image in the midst of it all.

“Parenting is an art, not a science.”

Much Love Mama-

May we Love them well,

Ashley

IMG_6103-3 — photo credit: Kate Miller of Kat E Photography

And if you’re curious how we attempted to “solve” the many different issues we’ve encountered from birth-age 5 you can check out some of these below, or browse the menu bar to read over 90 posts-

As always when I share anything it’s in a “this is what worked (or didn’t) for us,” way. I whole-heartedly believe what works for one child doesn’t work for all, but I hope you’ll find something helpful for whatever situation you’re in:

Morning sickness

Birth- and trying to avoid being induced

Breastfeeding supply issues

Colic babies

Having to go dairy free

Paci-weaning

Tantrums and discipline

What baby products are the best baby products: what swaddle will help them sleep?

What baby carrier will they like the most?

What stroller can contain all these wild boys?

Not knowing how to teach them or what to teach them

Toy storage….oh all the toys! and speaking of toys- which toys are the best toys?