9.19.14: The Day Caleb Paul Made His Arrival! |

(**Originally published Oct 2014, on dancingthroughtheminefields.blogspot.com)

I sit here with a precious baby sleeping on my chest. I still cannot really believe he is ours- our son, a little bit of Bryan and me and generations past and perfect for us, such a gift from God. I’ve only been a Mom for 3 weeks, and they have been 3 very full weeks- full of firsts, many emotions, tears, unspeakable joy, frustration and exhaustion, and I know this is only the beginning. This whole being a Mom thing is so much harder than I thought it would be, but also equally amazing and still surreal. Nothing has made me feel more inadequate or unprepared (despite the countless books: Favorite Books for new or expectant Moms, Parenting Books) I read and many, many questions I have asked to close friends- nothing can quite prepare you for YOUR child and we are still very much trying to figure things out). Being a parent is quite a humbling experience. I will probably write more on that later, but I wanted to take time to write out Caleb’s birth story. Before he was born, I would read others’ stories or hear them and sometimes that would result in fear. So if you are an expectant mother, maybe don’t read this until later- or read it if you know you’ll be fine doing so, and know that God has a unique story prepared for you, and His grace will be sufficient no mater the unexpected twists and scary and beautiful turn of events.

First, let me give a little background. I did NOT want to be induced. I have heard horror stories about people being induced (forcing your body to give birth/baby to come when he/she isn’t ready just doesn’t always result in a good labor curve so often the result is a C section, which I really wanted to avoid if at all possible). Bryan and I tried all the natural remedies- if you’ve seen the F.R.I.E.N.D.S episode where Rachel wants Emma to come- you understand what I mean. We did them all. I even got a birthing ball and bounced around on it for hours a day for a week or so before Caleb’s due date. And I saw a great Chiropractor who adjusted me/told me about accupressure points that are helpful for labor.

Related post: How to Induce Labor

I have always been a person who almost simultaneously sees two sides to every thing. So when it comes to giving birth (hospital vs. birthing center vs. home, midwife vs. doctor, or somewhere in between) I have good friends who I respect on both sides, and I can see advantages and disadvantages to both. With my heart condition, we felt it best I be in a hospital that had a cardiology unit just in case, and we had been referred to a very well known and extremely capable high risk doctor, so we were kind of prescribed the hospital route. However, I really wanted some things to be done naturally- I wanted to be able to walk around and delay my epidural and go into labor naturally, but ultimately we were going to do what my doctor suggested. She wanted us to be induced because of Caleb’s potential biggness (many doctors do this, and often times the kiddos come out not nearly as big as predicted, but oh well; it is what it is). Also at one of my appointments I had a smaller amount of amniotic fluid than normal so they wanted to take him early just in case (well that coupled with all my heart stuff). I just kept praying he would come on his own and we had many pray to that end as well, but Caleb was totally content in me apparently. And he would never drop- even during labor he still wouldn’t drop (that was part of the reason it took FOR.EV.ER).

Wednesday, Sept. 17th 3:00pm
We show up to the pre-op anesthesiology appointment. As many of you know, due to my Bicuspid Aortic Valve and slightly dilated Aorta, there were many extra precautions taken through out my entire pregnancy, and one of them was making sure the anesthesiologist was on board/ had no problem giving me pain meds (my OB’s request) to lessen the strain on my heart due to pain. Well when we showed up to this appointment, the people there didn’t know quite what to do with us. We waited for about an hour and then they decided we didn’t really need to be there in the first place (I guess miscommunication some where with my doctor and them) but told us we should just go straight to Labor and Delivery.

5:00 pm
We show up on the 6th floor- the Labor and Delivery unit of Methodist Hospital (the same hospital my sweet Momma birthed me in 29 years ago) and there wasn’t room for us. So they asked if we would be okay being “overflow” and taking the suite (um, yes please!). This was a small way God provided even in the beginning- it was so nice to have so much extra space, especially since we ended being there for almost a week. A sweet nurse came and put in my IV and immediately started pumping me with fluids, a preventative antibiotic (to prevent my endochronitis due to my valve) and a blood pressure medicine to keep my heart rate low. My doctor was supposed to come around 6 pm to place the Cervadil (something that softens your cervix, sorry if that’s TMI), but since she is probably the busiest doctor ever and has an absolutely crazy schedule, she didn’t get there until closer to 10 pm. She placed the stuff and we waited. And for some reason they told me I couldn’t eat anything after noon that day, so I am starving at this point and we ask Dr. Adam if I can have some food. Thankfully she allows me to eat dinner (I was so thankful!). I started having contractions that night all through the night (but I didn’t really feel them as they weren’t very strong yet).

Thursday , 9/18 (my due date!) 6 am
They start me on Pitocin (the equivalent of Oxytocin, a hormone your body naturally makes when it goes into labor). I am hooked up to a contraction monitor, heart monitor and IV so there’s not much moving going on except for me being able to walk in a small circle or detach for a short while from the monitors to take a trip to the bathroom. Through out this day we have both families come in and out keeping us company and anxiously awaiting Caleb to make his appearance! We also have the best nurses. I am so very thankful for the many, many nurses we had. (I had only made 4 goody bags and felt so bad I ran out since we ended up having closer to 10 nurses by the time we left..I lost count).

I labor all day without an epidural and I really feel fine for the most part. In the late afternoon, my nurse checks me and says I am about 4-5 cm dilated (complete is 10 cm for those who haven’t had babies or don’t know that sort of thing) so I am thinking, yes! Half way there! But sadly, when Dr. Adam comes by to check around 6 pm she says no I am really only a 3. 🙁 talk about disappointment! She then says she wants to take me off the Pitocin and “rest” me for the night since my body’s receptors seem to be overloaded and not really responding to the drug anymore. Also, Caleb’s heart rate would go down every time I had a contraction so they were a little worried about that, too, but chalked it up to cord compression. So the plan was they were going to take me off the Pitocin, then give me an epidural early in the morning, then break my water around 6 am and hopefully that would progress things. This made me a little anxious and upset. I was very worried about them forcing my body to do more things it wasn’t ready to do. I had contractions until probably 10:30 pm or so on my own, but Bryan and I played Bannangrams and tried to take my mind off of them. Then they pretty much stopped over night.

Friday, 9/19, 5:30 am
I am woken up to be given an epidural. I start sobbing before the anesthesiologist gets there to Bryan, and suggest that we just leave the hopsital. I mean I am not even in labor anymore technically and I am also just mad they are coming to give me an epidural when I am not even in pain at this point (I think the stubborn part of me wanted to see if I could handle the pain or something, but mainly I didn’t want to be bound to the bed so early- I wanted to be able to walk around to try to help Caleb to drop). But they came and gave me the epidural. Well it pretty much only worked on one side of my body- my right side. My right leg was completely numb and it would fall of the bed and I’d have to ask Bryan to pick it back up and put it on the bed- such a weird feeling! It was also significantly warmer than my left leg and felt just strange. I could move my left leg all over the place and could feel the contractions on the left side of my uterus (which ended up being helpful when it came time to push). Oh and they give you a catheter when you get an epidural- that may have been my least favorite part of the whole thing.

8 am
Dr. Adam was supposed to get there at 6 to break my water, but she got there a little after 8. As soon as she broke my water things started to progress more rapidly. However, my body didn’t respond too well to the pain medicine (I think or I don’t know for sure what) but I got really, really nauseous and threw up mutliple times despite being given Zofran. I also could only lay one way that was good for Caleb’s heart beat and it was quite an awkward position so I was not very comfortable at all (but I know that’s just part of it). At one point they gave me Oxygen to try to help with his heart decelerations. This day was tough. I was just so ready to meet Caleb, and I hate being nauseous. I would prefer the pain to the nausea. They also put this special interuterine device in to monitor the contractions more carefully and keep a closer eye on Caleb’s heart (I was very worried about him at this point and didn’t want that device to hurt him in anyway). They sent a saline solution through this tube they had put in me hoping to give the cord some buoyancy to bounce back so it wouldn’t be as compressed and would perhaps keep his heart rate steady.

1:30 pm
I had two nurses at this point and the younger one checked me first and said I was at a 7! I was sooo excited and so were our families! Then the older one came and checked me and said I was actually a 9!!! Wahoo!! This was probably the most hopeful I had been since we got to the hospital to force this baby out.

3 pm
Still a 9- and Caleb still was in “timbuktu” as Dr. Adam said earlier- he just wouldn’t drop which was stalling my labor. Dr. Adam said if I wasn’t a 10 in 2 hours then I wouldn’t ever be and we would need to do a C-section. I was really sad and just thought after all this time- we’d been at the hospital 2 days at this point- we weren’t going to get to have him vaginally. Well I texted many, many people to pray. We prayed in the hospital that God would allow me to be a 10 by 5 pm. I truly believe He answered our prayers!

5 pm
We were at a 10! Praise the Lord, but I was still feeling very nauseous and still throwing up on and off, so they let me rest a little, and also wanted him to drop some more (they say “labor down”) but that didn’t really ever happen. The nurses called Dr. Adam and she gave the go ahead to start pushing around 6 pm.

~6 pm
I’m thinking it is probably going to take me 3 hours to push this kid out, especially since he was still just at the entrance of my birth canal, and I tried to get my self mentally prepared. I had the wonderful support of Bryan and two nurses who helped me push for about 30 min or so- I was already exhausted but making some progress. I threw up again around 6:30 right before Dr. Adam showed up. When she showed up, everything changed.

6:30 pm
Dr. Adam comes in and asks me in her thick accent, “Anyone teach you how to push?! Push from here, your diaphragm, NO TALKING! Don’t open your mouth!” She even told Bryan he couldn’t talk when he was trying to encourage me. She also told me she didn’t like the position the nurses had put me in. She wanted my feet in stirrups and in a laying down squat position. She then said, “Show me what you got”. When a contraction came and I begin pushing, she began yelling at me like a drill sergeant, “Push! Push! Push! Go, go, go, etc” and after I got over the shock of how loud and forceful she was, it worked. She really motivated me. Bryan said at this point he could see almost all of Caleb’s head and then Dr. Adam got a delivery cart in there and like 8 other people came in the room. Bryan texted our families to tell them to get in there, behind the curtain so they could hear Caleb make his first cry! It all happened so fast after this. She told me to push with the next contraction and I did and then she yells, “Stop, stop, stop. Everyone stop. Cord, tight cord, scissors!” So that whole time that Caleb’s heart was going down it was because the cord was around his neck. When I pushed him out, it was REALLY tightly wound around his neck, so much so that Dr. Adam had to cut it off in like 3 places- blood splattered on the nurses face and my leg and then thankfully with the next push and a scream (Dr. Adam told me to give her a scream then) (6:52 pm) he fell out and started screaming all at once so I knew he was okay (the single best sound ever was hearing him cry for the first time). Bryan started crying, I started crying and of course Caleb was crying. He was taken to be cleaned, weighed, measured, etc. I had really wanted to do skin to skin contact but since he had the cord so tightly around his neck, Dr. Adam thought it best for him to be taken care of first and then given to me. She stitched me up and then before she left they lost a piece of gauze so that was a little scary- for a little while there we thought it might be in me, but then thankfully, Bryan found it. There was just such relief. Then I got to hold him and feed him and our family came in. We finally had our sweet baby boy, all 9 lbs 21.5 inches of him.

We are just so thankful- with all the things that could go wrong, we are just so, so thankful he is okay and that aside from chest pain that the Drs thoroughly checked out (we stayed through Monday because I wasn’t released yet- they did an EKG, echo and blood work) I seem to be okay for now, too.


Bryan meeting Caleb for the first time


Meeting Mimi and PawPaw and Gigi and Poppy!

Meeting Uncle Tanner and Hayden and Aunt Kayla

First Family Pictures

our sweet bundle of joy

Addendum (almost 4 years later):

Caleb’s birth was the first of many things that didn’t go quite as I had hoped or planned during this journey of motherhood. God has continually wrecked my plans and called me to more complete dependence on Him. My entrance into motherhood was quite challenging with an extremely colicky baby who cried almost all of the time and didn’t sleep for months. When you have a “more challenging” baby it almost scars you. I sometimes joke with the very few friends I know who have walked this same road that we kind of suffer from our own form of PSD. It’s easy to question yourself, every decision you make, and even think, “Are they this way because of something I am doing or not doing?” You can try ALL of the things, and feel like you’re back at square one. If you aren’t careful, this continual questioning can carry over into other parenting choices months and years later. My lack of ability to meet all of my baby’s needs despite all of my very best efforts has often time lead me to doubt my ability to parent my toddler and now pre-schooler. In some ways, my first steps into the field of motherhood were shaky ones at best. Every where my foot stepped, I tended to trip or land in a sink-hole. I came upon dead end after dead end as I tried so many things that worked for all of these others, but did not work for me. Daily, for months, I struggled in a huge way because I felt like I was constantly failing.

But, recently God has shown me that in many ways, humbling me in the beginning was a gift from His hand. He wanted to show me that ultimately He is in control, and I am not. I can read, research, pray, pray and pray some more. I can apply what I’ve learned. I can try countless methods and techniques, but at the end of the day, I cannot control my children’s behavior. I cannot change their personalities. He wanted to remind me that I cannot put confidence in my flesh (Phil 3:3- my ability to DO). If I would have implemented some method that would have worked well for all of my babies (I’m not saying this isn’t possible- I have friends who have this very story), I think I would have been very tempted to be prideful, to think that it was because of what I did or did not do that made my babies sleep through the night by 8 weeks (or behave this way or that way or fill in the blank with your desired outcome here). Since that is not my story, I have a deep KNOW-ing that only comes from walking a painful path, and I can look another struggling mama in the eyes and have true empathy and compassion in a different way than someone who has to imagine what it’s like. I can see her and easily relate to the hardness of the season she is in. I know what it feels like to not sleep (like pretty much at all- maybe 30 minutes here and there) for MONTHS that add up to years. I know what it’s like to not want to leave your house because your baby will cry so hard he throws up any time he is in his car seat. I know the panic that comes in public when your baby starts crying and you don’t have any sure-fire way of calming him down. I know what it’s like to have a toddler who is highly emotional and breaks down often. I know what’s it like to pray earnestly for a baby’ heart to beat again, and for God to not answer that prayer. I know what’s it like to feel like you have no idea what you’re doing.

But, as mothers, we can influence. We can shape, we can guide. We can offer choices and consequences. We can model and set examples. But we cannot truly change our children. God alone is in the business of changing their hearts. And sometimes, when it comes to babies they just need to mature some, and again, we are not in control of that time table either.

Then you have a second child and everyone says, “Oh, your second will be so much easier! Just wait and see!” Except when they aren’t. Sometimes, just sometimes they are actually harder than your first, and again God calls you to hold all plans with loose hands. Sometimes you pray and pray, and end up having a c-section and a very difficult recovery, all while dealing with the beginning of years worth of tantrums.

Sometimes, motherhood can seem like an exhausting battleground, one full of one mountain after a next. When you finally catch your breath, you realize the season (or phase your child is in) has changed and now you need to change your game plan, too.

But, oh it is a glorious journey. It is a joy-filled journey. It is a high and holy calling, and the title of “Mom” is one I never ever want to take for granted. So in the midst of the crying and chaos, I want to choose to be present, choose to be thankful, to treasure the moments as they come, and to depend on Him who holds all things in His hands.

Related post: Prescription for Contentment