My First 6 weeks as a Mom (spoiler alert, it’s way HARDER than I thought!)
**Note*** This was originally written and published on my blog dancinthroughtheminefields.blogspot.com in October of 2013, and you can read the full post here
Thoughts on motherhood so far:
It is hard. Way, way harder than I imagined. I read an article the other day that defined happiness as reality-expecations. I expected motherhood to be difficult. Everyone says it is, but I didn’t expect it to be this challenging. I guess it’s because, let’s be honest, I expected to have an Angel baby (doesn’t every one?)- the kind that rarely cry, are content to just be in their car seat and hang out there while you cart them along various places, the kind that is happily held by anyone, the type of baby who is sleeping in their crib by one month or so on their way to sleep training and who wakes up happy.
I am used to being able to excel at things- academics, career, relationships, etc. I was wired from a young age to be a high-achiever. And I thought I would be able to calm my baby- to get him to do the basic things like eat and sleep. Well, God has used this journey so far to humble me greatly. I am so full of grace for every parent out there trying to do his or her best to raise their child. It is hard work. Every baby is different and we all need to show each other compassion. Caleb cries- like SCREAMS a blood curdling scream that will break your heart- and he does so unless he is eating or sleeping except for maybe 20 min of happy awake time total all day.
Everyone tells you different things, and you have no idea what is normal. Do babies cry? Yes, but do babies cry this much, for this long? How are we to know? Does he have colic (another word for cries excessively)-so weirdly defined as a baby who cries for more than 3 days a week for more than 3 hours at a time for 3 weeks- seriously, who came up with that? Is he just gassy? Does he have silent reflux? Is he getting enough food/is he just starving all of the time? Is he overtired? Or, is he just having trouble adjusting to life outside the womb? In our information age it is so easy to be overwhelmed with advice and so much of it conflicting it is so hard to know what do to. We have tried gripe water, colic calm, and by the pediatricians advice are now trying gas drops and I am eliminating dairy from my diet. If that doesn’t work then we will try reflux medicine (I am so reluctant to give him medicine if he doesn’t need it but I don’t want him to be in pain). edit***After 3 babies, all with similar symptoms, I have learned A TON about possible causes and coping strategies – you can read more here, I promise it will be worth your time.****
A friend shared this hilarious article that one mom wrote about all the conflicting advice out there. It made me crack up because it is so true, but sadly I cannot find the link anymore. It basically was along the lines of, “Let your baby cry, never let your baby cry. Make sure you feed on demand. But also make sure that you feed every 3 hours on the dot so that your baby gets used to a schedule”, etc- full of lines and lines of one piece of advice followed by the exact opposite piece of advice.
Another blog post I did find very helpful for a least a week is the one below on getting your baby to sleep more often. I was so focused on making sure I fed him every 2-3 hours that I didn’t even think about the fact that when he woke up from a nap I should probably try to get him to go back to sleep with in an hour or so. I had NO idea I was supposed to try to put him to sleep. I just thought newborn babies would fall asleep when they were tired (“sleeps like a baby”). She said the number one mistake parents of newborns make is keeping their little ones up for too long. They need so much sleep. This helped me learn how to get him to sleep in his swing (Fisher-Price Snugabunny Cradle ‘N Swing
Here is the link to website that helped some:
Troublesome Tots (now called Precious Little Sleep) (I followed the advise for 0-3 months)
What God is teaching me:
I haven’t found very much time to be in the Scriptures, but God has still been faithful to teach me in this season. I am doing Bible Study Fellowship (an interdenominational international Bible study- you should check it out!) and we are studying the life of Moses. Last week we were talking about the Israelites in the desert. Even those who are not familiar with the Bible at all probably know a little of the story- “Pharoah, Pharoah, Ooooooooooo Let my people go..” (the song anyone?) or from the classic Ten Commandments movie shown every Easter. Basically God miraculously delivers His people after showing His great power through all the plagues and then He even parts the Red Sea to lead 2 million (yes MILLION) people out of slavery. Well once they are delivered, they realize life in the desert isn’t so grand. They start to reminisce about life in Egypt (where they were SLAVES mind you!) and start to complain to Moses, their leader- they say it would be better if they would have died in Egypt. They are complaining and grumbling due to lack of food and water, and guess what, God provides food (mana- bread from Heaven and quail) and He also provides water out of a rock- both foreshadowing Jesus who would come later and be the Bread of Life and the Living Water. They so quickly forgot the joy and crazy POWER of God shown and when life gets hard they start to doubt God’s goodness and His ability to provide.
So when I was little I used to think those Israelites were so dumb- how could they not trust God, He just parted the Red Sea and He did every single thing He said He would. How could they not believe? As I have gotten older I identify more and more with the Israelites. A couple of weeks ago when we were discussing this lesson I was so convicted of my grumbling. I am so frustrated with myself. I can either focus on the seemingly difficult circumstances of the past year- a diagnosis of my heart issue, a miscarriage, a pregnancy that was rather difficult due to extreme fear (fear of miscarriage, fear of something happening to me or Caleb due to my heart) and financially because of all of the extra tests the doctors wanted me to do because of my heart and physically because I was really sick a couple of different times (mono for the first month was super scary because I had a fever every single day in such a crucial time of development- I also had a couple of other infections and had to take antibiotic twice), the labor was a difficult ordeal as well and now the newborn days have been a challenge, too. I can look at all these things and think, man, I have it rough compared to so and so, or I can look at these very things and say, “Praise God!” He gave us a baby. He so generously provided even in my sickness- how cool is that – Caleb was protected when I was sick. He formed Caleb’s heart perfectly even though mine was not. He graciously allowed us to find out about my heart condition so we could take extra precautions that perhaps saved my life or Caleb’s or make it possible to have future children as the doctors tried to limit the stress on my heart. God protected Caleb during delivery when his cord was wrapped around his neck and He still allowed me to have a vaginal delivery. He gave the doctors wisdom and skill. He gave us THIS baby- our Caleb Paul because He loves us. He chose us just for him and him just for us and God will teach us all through the process. He has already humbled me so much. I have never felt like I needed God more or felt so inadequate, and that is good, because it causes me to look to God and depend on Him. How can I not fall down on my knees and praise God for His provision? How can I look at my current circumstance and complain? I have no right to do so. God is good. All. the. time. His goodness is outside of our circumstance. How often I need reminding of that. I cannot left the difficulty of this season steal the joy.
This week we talked about the 10 commandments, which often seem somewhat elementary. One can easily say in their mind,” Yeah, yeah I got those. I don’t steal, kill, cheat, etc.” But the 10th one says do not covet. Wow. That is tough. How often do I look at some other Mom either in real life or on facebook or instagram and think, man, she is doing such a better job than me- or I wish my baby slept like that or took a paci or fill in the blank. I sometimes find myself thinking, “It must be nice”. Comparison is the stealer of all joy. Coveting is not trusting in God. It is wanting something other than what God has given us. It really was what led to the first sin. Although God had given Adam and Even EVERY tree in the garden except one- they wanted the ONE that He told them to stay away from (for their GOOD). It leads to discontentment and a slew of other nasty things. What is the remedy? Be THANKFUL. As it says in Colossians 3: “Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry”. Greed/covetousness leads to idolatry- worshiping (giving our hearts hope and affections and adoration) to something or someone else besides God, who is the only One who can fill us. And in verse 15 it says, “And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body and BE THANKFUL.”
I am thankful for so many things. First, God gave me such a gift in Bryan. He has been amazing- waking up at night, watching Caleb in the evenings when I go tutor. He patiently sings to him and rocks him and carries him in the Ergo carrier to put Caleb to sleep. He isn’t afraid to change dirty diapers and lovingly holds our often screaming son. He gets up early every morning and goes to work and works hard to provide for our family. He has been so supportive and encouraged me to stay at home even though it makes things tighter financially. He always gives value to my day and tells me thank you for caring for our son. He SEES me, which can be one of the hardest things about being a mom (not feeling “seen”), and he loves me so well as my best friend (and for those of you reading this comparing your husband to mine or thinking I wish I had a husband- stop right now- God gives each according to His goodness. Be thankful for your hubby or your singleness. I have often been guilty of that whole comparison thing – see above- and remember, it steals your joy!). I am thankful for our home, for our neighbors, for our friends and loving family. I am SO thankful for my mom who has come over on countless occasions and held Caleb so he could sleep and we could, too. I am thankful for so many who have prayed for and encouraged us during these hard days. Although I really miss teaching, I am thankful I am not back at work right now. I get to be the one who can care for Caleb, and it is an honor and a privilege. And I am so very thankful God gave us the gift of a child. If there is anything I have learned it’s that getting pregnant/your pregnancy/raising kids is not really in our control. We can do some things, don’t get me wrong- our choices do matter- but ultimately so many things are out of our hands. I did nothing to deserve this precious gift.
I have been made so very aware of my selfishness. I am so used to finding my identity and sense of purpose in getting things done/checking off a to do list. On those personality tests, I always come out almost equally task and people oriented. I really am a little of both, and right now, in this season, when Caleb is so very needy I have trouble doing either of those things- completing tasks, or keeping up with relationships. Some days I don’t even get dressed and all I do is hold him/feed him/change him all day. But, I want to soak up these moments, with him tiny and small snuggled under my neck. I so often find myself wanting to rush through them so I can lay him down for his nap so I can get things done around the house or take a shower or eat lunch. But he is only this little once. He is my assignment for these days- loving him and meeting his needs. (Psalm 16- He is my portion, Psalm 127- children are a reward and a gift from God). John 17:4- Jesus says He glorified God by completing the work God gave Him to do, not the work He wanted to do or thought necessary but the work God assigned Him. I want to joyfully embrace this time as the work God gave me to do. How can I not be so thankful?
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