If Only
It happened again. Over the last few days I’ve been around a lot of other moms with young sweet babies…babies that sleep in public and don’t make a peep, babies that let their moms enjoy some adult conversation and participate in bible studies and help ease the transition from one to two or two to three children.
No matter how hard I fight it, the old familiar thoughts rise up, “If only Caleb (or David or Ethan) would have been like that, then I wouldn’t have felt so overwhelmed, I would be more on top of life, I would have more energy, have more joy, more peace, better friendships, more to give.” As soon as the thought rises up, I attempt to silence it. Why do these thoughts of comparison and envy creep in anyway? What’s the bottom of it all and why can’t I let it go? I think at the heart of it, I just want to be seen, for someone to simple acknowledge- I know you’ve had to walk through a hard season.
Sadly, I’m no stranger to this way of thinking.
I know that truly nothing other than Jesus will fulfill us (Isaiah 55). Only Jesus brings true, eternal joy. Only his nearness is our good (Psalm 17:15, Psalm 16:11).
But then I see a friend who is my same age in their dream home, and I think but she seemingly has it all…she loves Jesus + she has her dream house.
Just as in my single days, I would think “well, she doesn’t understand. She got married at 22. Life would be so much easier if I was married.” Spoiler alert: full of a lot of joy, yes, but also not so much easier- check out this honest post on marriage.
The enemy is crafty with his if only, then lies.
If only I make these grades…
If only I get into that school…
If only I weighed this much…
If only we made this much money, then we wouldn’t worry and we’d have peace, and I could fill our closet with super cute, trendy clothes and shoes, buy all the beauty products, afford the fancy gyms, the nice furniture, the house in that one neighborhood, the life-changing vacations.
If only we could win these people’s approval…
If only we had an easy baby, one that slept often and didn’t cry constantly for months, then I’d be a good mom.
If only I got more sleep (I haven’t had a full night sleep for 3 of the last 4 years).
If only I didn’t have to have that c-section….
If only we had more obedient children…..
If only I didn’t have to worry about dieting or my baby could tolerate dairy…
If only I had some way of getting some alone time…
If only we had a weekly babysitter….
If only I was Joanna Gaines…
But, this is the truth:
If only we would turn to the only One who can satisfy, then and only then will we be continually filled.
Perhaps God is continually reminding me in my discontentedness that this is not our true home.
“For I told you before, and now I tell you again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is their shame. Their mind is set on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ.” Philippians 3:18-20
Jesus approached the woman at the well, the woman who had a string of relationships in her past, trying to fill the void in her heart and he told her of the living water, the water that once you drink of it, you will never thirst again. (John 4:13-14)
I know this, and I love this, but why does my mouth feel parched? Have I so quickly forgotten where to go to get this soul-satisfying drink?
Perhaps we are not unlike the Israelites wandering the desert. They so quickly forgot the miraculous work of parting the Red Sea in Exodus 14. Just a couple chapters later, they are idealizing their old life, the life back in Egypt.
“If only we had died by the Lord’s had in Egypt. There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death.” Exodus 16: 3
Notice their if only, then thinking. Notice they are focusing on earthly things. Like those mentioned in Philippians, their god is their stomach. Am I ruled by my desires? Or by His?
Yet, God graciously hears their cry- he rains down manna from heaven. He told his people to gather enough for each day.
This is what we must do as well. I am often guilty of trying to live off of day old, week old (or let’s be honest.. year old) bread. We get the delight of being able to approach the Lord daily, to go to the Bread of Life, the Living Water and ask to be filled each day. We continually come. We cannot survive off of stale bread- soon our taste buds start to prefer the things of this world and buy into the enemies lies. No matter how much you eat at a buffet, you still get hungry again.
So, today I’m preaching to myself- and encouraging you as well- whatever thing you are holding up as your if only, as if it will give you life, I promise it won’t. You can exhaust all the wells and they will run dry. Like Jim Carey said, “I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.” Only Jesus, the source of Life has life to give.
