Five Things I’d tell myself Five Years In (and Three Kids Later)
Our oldest son turns five in a couple of days, and I can hardly believe it. In some ways it feels like just yesterday I was cradling him on my chest and in others it feels like life time ago. Tonight I lingered a little while at bedtime, watching him sleep trying to turn back time, imagining his little infant face when he was wrapped up like a little burrito. Almost always the tallest of his peers, he’s grown so much physically (that’s what happens when your Dad is 6’7″ and you’re Paw Paw is 6’8″), but even more so are the unseen changes: speech, ability to understand, create, run, play, draw, problem solve, imagine, show empathy…the list is endless- the first five years of life- the very ones I had read about before I became a mom- have come and gone.
“By the age of five, 90% of the brain’s capacity has already developed. A child’s brain is more receptive to learning during the first five years of his life than at any other point in time. What’s most relevant here is that the brain is most plastic or flexible in the first five years of life. The more you exercise different areas of the brain in the early years of development, the more lasting an impact it will have on their learning ability.”- The Huffington Post
And as Bill Gates said, “The first five years have so much to do with how the next 80 turn out.”
No pressure, there, right? Hope we didn’t mess it up too badly. Well at least we have one and a half years left of this precious insanely impactful time with the middle brother and three years left with the baby. I’ve felt a shift in our family the last few months in the way the boys play. I’ve tried my hardest to hold onto these years where all three of our boys have been lumped in the same category “little”/toddler/early childhood, but sadly there isn’t a way to stop the sand from falling through the hour glass no matter how hard I try.
But I digress. Not only has he changed, so has his mother (in those short five years we’ve had over ten years worth of parenting individuals- if you add up our kids’ ages). If I could talk to myself on the eve before his birth five years ago, this is what I’d say. None of these things are extremely profound, and if you’ve been a parent for more than a hot minute, you’ve probably come to the same conclusions, but just for fun, I’ll share them anyway. I’d love to hear from you in the comments section!:
(Okay, let’s be real, if you know me, you know the only thing I ever failed in pretty much all of school was an assignment in sixth grade on summarizing. I have always had an issue with being concise, so I couldn’t narrow it down to just 5.*sorry, not sorry*)
1. Things will not go as planned. You cannot read enough and no amount of knowledge is enough to become the mythical “perfect” mom (you can read my guest post on Women Encouraged that delves deeper into this topic here; Mama Doesn’t Always Know Best ). Before I became a mom I naively thought I knew a lot. Now five years in, I know there is so much I just don’t know, and probably never will. Praise God we don’t have to know it all, we just need to know Him.
2. You will not be able to meet all their needs and you won’t be enough- you cannot do all the things. (Mama, Stop Trying to Carry All the Things), don’t be like David trying to fight in King Saul’s armor. We cannot all be the super fit, foodie, entrepreneur, Joanna Gaines, homeschooling, party-throwing, working, busy-toddlering mom. God has wired each of us differently on purpose. Put your load in loving His arms. Surrender, trust and believe. (much easier said than done). We are not enough, but our neediness is a gift of grace paving way for us to acknowledge how much we need Him.
3. Every child is different. I will say it again, every single child is different. Don’t put your hope in some method or baby product. All of our boys liked different things, and what works for one may not work for another, or it may- you seriously just never know. They are their own people with their own preferences from the very start. There is nothing that makes my blood boil more than people making generalized absolute statements that just aren’t true (e.g. “babies sleep well if they’re fed” or “if you just do x, then y” drives me bananas! and isn’t a gracious way of speaking). If you tried something and it worked, hooray! But just know that doesn’t mean it will work 100% of the time for all babies. Try to not let unhealthy forms of comparison steal your joy or gratitude (I’ve been so guilty of this: When I don’t feel thankful)
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4.No one is a perfect parenting expert. Find humor in it all. Try to take yourself less seriously. One of my dearest friends (Chrissy, I’m looking at you) reminded me from the very beginning, “God chose you to be his mother on purpose. He will give you what you need.” What freedom there is in that! All any of us can do is the best we can do. (If you want a laugh about our library experience a month or so ago, head over to this instagram post)
https://www.instagram.com/p/B000QBwjVRk/?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet
5. Be really careful with the phrase “I will never” (talked about above)- show yourself and others grace, but stay connected to the Lord so you know what things should stay priorities for your family even when life gets crazy.
Motherhood is this delicate balance of holding on and letting go. Babies don’t keep. One day you won’t have to schedule your life around naps because there won’t be anymore babies napping. Rock them just one minute longer. Don’t wish away any stage- like Emily Jensen says in the Risen Motherhood book, “There are no throw away seasons.”
6. Everything (almost everything) is a phase. It will pass. Try not to spend your time chasing the tyranny of the urgent over what’s most important. Our children are not problems to solve. They are people to love. Avoid a destination mind set- “once we get to this stage” or “if only he slept through the night, then”. I have often been slave to this way of thinking- if that’s you, too, you can read more about how I battle those lies here: If Only. The truth is we never arrive this side of heaven. Motherhood is this delicate balance of holding on and letting go. Babies don’t keep. One day you won’t have to schedule your life around naps because there won’t be anymore babies napping. Rock them just one minute longer. Don’t wish away any stage- like Emily Jensen says in the Risen Motherhood book, “There are no throw away seasons.”
7. When all else fails, just open a book and read it to your kids. Get on the floor. Let the dishes wait. Look them in the eyes. Speak life. (Use Your Words, The Power of Praise) Connect with them.
8. Earlier isn’t always better. Hold onto those babies while you can. Schedule some time to just be.
https://www.instagram.com/p/B1beyPUD6XI/?utm_source=ig_web_button_share_sheet
If you choose to read one article I’ve written in addition to this page you’re on, please choose this one- it’s a message I long for every mother to hear: Gospel Hope for the Good Mom: Freedom from the Shoulds of Motherhood. For far too long, I let so many expectations of what a “Good Mom” should do rob me joy, and I hope others can learn from my many mistakes.
These are just a few thoughts I would speak to my former self on the way I think about motherhood. I’d have many more things to say about the importance of friendships, not momming alone (check out the Don’t Mom Alone Podcast if you haven’t already), mentorship, discipleship products and resources, childhood raising advice. If you’re looking for some practical posts, I definitely have those too (but again, as always these are just things that worked for us (or in many cases didn’t lol)/ helped us not magical techniques or products):
Just a few:
- Discipline Tips and Tricks
- Advent /Intentional Discipleship with Children- Christmas will be here before you know it!
- Favorite Kid’s Books
- Baby Products, Baby Swaddles, Baby Wearing 101, Cloth Diapering 101
- Double strollers that Can be Used as Triple
- Toys for 3 and under, Toy Organization
- Fall Fun
- Dairy Free
- Colic Coping Strategies
- Favorite Podcasts
- Parenting Books
- Preschool at Home
- Potty Training
- Ultimate Guide to C- Section Recovery
- Best 10 Tips for Increasing Breastmilk Supply and the 1 Thing that Harmed it
A few other early day motherhood posts:
- My First 6 weeks as a Mom (spoiler alert, it’s way HARDER than I thought!)
- Thoughts on Motherhood, 9 months in
- 9.19.14: The Day Caleb Paul Made His Arrival!
- My Baby Won’t Sleep
- Reflections on BSF and the Life of Moses (and how it applies to my first year of mothering)
Even as I type this, I wonder what I’ll think of these words five years from now and five years after that. I’m still relatively new to this whole mothering thing, that’s why its so important to stay connected to women who are further along this walk- rather that be your own mother, a woman from your church or someone else- befriend someone in a different life stage. We have so much to learn from one another. Even though the name of this site, mama needs a manual, may sound like I’m the one writing a manual, let’s be clear- I’m just one mom trying to figure it all out like all of you, and I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again, the further down this parenting road I walk, the more I realize this mama doesn’t need a manual- she needs Emmanuel (God with us).
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