When I don’t feel thankful
It’s November. It’s the time of year for thankful turkeys and thankful trees, practicing gratitude for the many things we have been given. But if I’m honest, sometimes I don’t feel thankful. And when we don’t feel thankful, what are we to do?
We’ve all been there. We are having a “good” day and then there is a trigger, often it comes from reading the words of praise on someone else’s news feed. We read about our friends:
Praising God for a promotion, when you feel stuck in your job.
Praising God for an engagement and God’s provision in a spouse and you are in your 30s and still waiting.
Praising God for the gift of an unexpected surprise pregnancy when you’ve been waiting months or years for God to fill your womb with life.
Praising God for their house selling the first day over asking price and God providing a dream home while you sit, feeling stuck in your house or financial situation.
Praising God for her incredible mother when yours in no longer on this earth.
Praising God for a baby who sleeps through the night and never cries while you bounce around trying to calm your temperamental baby who still doesn’t sleep well at nearly a year of age.
We are more like our children than we care to admit. My oldest is perfectly content with the snack I gave him until he sees what I gave his brother. He counts, he compares and he most definitely complains if he thinks there is a disparity of any kind.
Today I read news of a friend’s baby being born- an incredibly easy first time labor- only 4 pushes. And I’m ashamed to admit my response was one of praise for them mingled with a hint of bitterness. Any time I read of crazy quick and easy birth stories, there is a tendency to feel this way: to feel that God held back from me while granting someone else her request. My births were anything but easy, incredibly long and two out of the three ended in c-sections, which still cause me pain to this day (you can read about them here, here and here) . This same temptation is there for all of us when we see someone else given a longing we are still waiting for. When I find in myself the reluctancy to join in someone else’s praise of God for prayers answered for them that have yet to be answered for me, it is often a sign I am valuing something more than I should.
We are much more like Jonah than we care to admit. Jonah, famously known for being swallowed by a big fish is a favorite children’s account in the Scriptures. God asks Jonah to go to Nineveh to tell the people to repent. He doesn’t want to go because he knows God is a gracious God and that he will show them mercy if they repent. He wants them to get what they deserve for their evil deeds. He doesn’t want God to show them compassion for a change of heart. So he runs. He hops on a ship to go in the opposite direction. The Lord appoints a storm. Surprisingly, Jonah is not afraid to sacrifice his life- he would die rather than obey, and perhaps he has some compassion for the others on board- he knows the storm is due to his disobedience so he convinces the reluctant sailors to throw him overboard. The storm ceases. The Lord graciously appoints a fish to swallow Jonah. He then appoints the fish to spit Jonah out on dry land. Jonah obeys, though perhaps not fully- only going partially into the city and shouting a simple warning. The people repent- a true repentance across the entire city. God relents. This is where the story ends in most children’s bibles, but the truth is Jonah’s response doesn’t mirror God’s. You would think Jonah would praise God- his message was fruitful, amazingly people listened! And yet, we read in Jonah 4, “But it greatly displeased Jonah and he became angry.” God asks Jonah a question, and he asks us the same one when we become displeased with his sovereign care over our lives, “Do you do well to be angry?” (Jonah 4:4). Nancy Guthrie encourages us to probe deeper into our hearts when we notice this emotion arise: “Why am I angry? Do I do well to be angry? What expectation about how things should work in my world is serving to justify my anger? What does my anger right now say about what or whom I really value, what or whom I really care about? Does the fact that I am so angry about this reveal that a good thing may have become and ultimate thing in my life, or in other words, an idol?” Praise God, Jesus is the greater and truer Jonah (Check out this sermon series from Bridge Point Community Church- it is so good). Jesus came to seek and save the lost, showing compassion and mercy, praying for those as they nailed his hands to the cross.
We are at different ages and life experiences, but the same emotions erupt when we see others get what we desperately desire: envy, bitterness, even anger. “It’s just not fair,”our Jonah-like heart cries out. “I followed all the rules, I made all A’s, but I haven’t gotten my outcome. Why has God answered her prayer and not mine? Does he love her more than me?” The idea of fairness is often misconstrued. Fair doesn’t always mean sameness. My ten month old’s dinner plate looks very different than my 4 year olds’. It is full of mostly the same food, but a few things are off limits (like honey), and I often cut up his food into very small pieces. This is different but this is fair and loving of me- I am giving each child what he needs. I would be doing my four year old a disservice to cut up every single bite of food because he needs to know he can chew food himself, and I would be putting my baby in danger if I let him eat grapes whole.
We are asking the wrong questions. We are seeking the wrong things thinking our longings fulfilled will bring us what is best. My anger points to something deeper- to something I am trying to hold onto that I think will give life. When we place our Ultimate hope in the answers, the gracious gifts God has given will always fall short. Instead of enjoying them for what they are, we find ourselves grumbling about what they are not, always discontent, always seeking more.
God sought Jonah. He seeks you and me. Turn around and see him. Realize he is the prize. God says seek me and you will find me. It’s not a one and done life event, it’s a daily, multiple times a day present participle, caught in the action of seek-ing. So when things don’t go our way, we cling to the Giver. We see that we have everything we need. We realize anything that brings us to acknowledge our need and walk in greater dependence upon the Father is actually good.
To say I’m thankful for this sweet boy in this picture- our first born, Caleb, would be an extreme understatement. When these pictures were taken days after his birth, I was grieving what I wanted the birth to look like. I was incredibly exhausted, not knowing if all of his crying was “normal” and honestly feeling a little upset and like God had “let me down”. But I look at these pictures, and I think but God gave us a baby! How could I not be thankful? Someone else is longing for this gift. There is always something to be thankful for- while this advice can be helpful as it offers great perspective, this prescription fails to address the true problem of the heart. It still causes us to be thankful for what we have in regards to others’ lack (boys be thankful for you food, even if you don’t like it because kids are starving overseas!) – a gratitude based on comparison, instead of being thankful to the Giver- we can delight in his gifts, but we must not stop there. The kid overseas with little food may have a hard time being thankful for something, but he can be thankful to someone. The thankfulness falls short if we don’t praise God for who he is, for his character, for his provision, for his goodness and perfect wisdom, life itself and the opportunity to know and love him and others.
It’s okay to grieve the losses in our life, or the places where what we have is different than what we’ve hoped for. If we let him, Jesus will enter into those places with us. He will sit beside us saying, “You’re right. This isn’t good or fair. That’s why I came, and am coming again.” He is able to both grieve with us and point us to a greater glory, reminding us of a bigger story. John Piper says, “Occasionally, weep deeply over the life that you hoped would be. Grieve the losses. Feel the pain. Then wash your face, trust God, and embrace the life that he’s given you.” We know that he can and does work all things for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28). We know that any challenge can be a blessing if it brings us to a place of greater dependence on him.
We live in a broken world due to sin. But one day, oh that day– Jesus will return and redeem all things. Until then, we can find freedom in knowing and loving him, we can be free to be thankful even when we don’t feel like it, and to rejoice when others rejoice and mourn when others mourn, trusting God knows best. When you find yourself tempted to compare, remember that’s not your story. It belongs to someone else (even Jesus had to remind Peter not to ask, “What about him?”- John 20:20-23). Be a good steward of the story he is writing for you.
So this season of thankfulness, when you find it hard to obey the command: in all things give thanks, stop looking to the left and right, look up at the One who gave you life, press in, ask him to help you delight in the true gift, namely himself. We can trust Jesus, who fills all in all (Ephesians 1:23).
For a related post on practicing thankfulness and contentment, click here: Prescription for Contentment
