The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 8: S is for Silliness, Shift Language and Stick to what you say

Hello there! Welcome to the last day of the Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide Series. You can check out the other days here (which are all PACKED full of practical advice that will hopefully make your life a lot easier).

The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide- Part 1: T is for Training

The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 2: A is for Acknowledge Feelings

The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 3: N is for Natural Consequences

The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 4: T is for Transitions, Timers and Try Choice Language

The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 5: R is for Redo, Role Play, Rehearse and Reward

The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide: Part 6, U is for Understanding the end goal is their hearts

The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide: Part 7, M is for Manage Expectations, Make Use of Gospel Centered Language and Music

For your free cheat sheet with the Tantrums acronym (handy for hanging on the fridge), subscribe here

S: Sillyness, Shift Language, Stick to what you say

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Be Silly!

When all else fails, make a goofy face! A few weeks ago we were driving somewhere and my boys were all crying in the back seat (what is it about the car that makes my children lose their minds?!). I was tempted to yell, “Be quiet!!”, but instead I looked back at my oldest (who is the only forward facing one) and made a really goofy face. With tears in his eyes, he immediately started laughing and made one back at me.

Be playful. Kids aren’t listening? Try whispering! My boys think it’s so funny when I whisper. They are usually eager to listen.

When the boys are fighting over a toy, my husband came up with a game. He asks them, “Does Daddy need to be the ref?”, and he picks them both up and puts them over each shoulder. They laugh and think it’s the best thing ever. When he’s done, he sets them back down and they magically don’t fight anymore.

Make inanimate objects talk – have pants say I need to get on some legs! Make food say, “I need a mouth!”

Lately, when my boys aren’t eating, I often say, “Oh, wow! Who can make their food disappear?! It is disappearing!!!” You’d be surprise how well this works.

Give in fantasy what you can’t in reality. Before we finally took away my oldest’s paci at 2.5 (read the magic way we did that here, without any tears!), I tried to only give it to him at nap and bedtime. One day he was crying and crying for it, so I got out a piece of paper and drew a picture of a pacifier. I gave it to him, and he stopped crying and proudly walked around with a picture of his paci! I was shocked it worked. (this idea is from How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7)

If they are asking for something, tell them you will write down on their “list”

Be playful- they are throwing sand- pretend to push the sand down with your hands and say, “No! Stay down sand!”

My boys can quickly get upset if they get “hurt”. I try to diffuse the situation by “hitting” whatever hurt them. For instance, one of my boys ran into the pole of a swing set at the park because he was running and not watching where he was going. I went over and hit the pole with my hand and said in a silly voice, “Bad pole! Don’t you hit my baby!” He thought it was hilarious and calmed down.

Shift language:

Instead of saying No, constantly, try focusing on what they CAN do. For example, instead of saying “NO, don’t throw that car!”, say, “We don’t throw cars but we can throw balls.” If your kids are yelling- you don’t have to say, “No!”, you can say, “If you want to yell we can yell outside.” They are jumping on the couches: “Oh it looks like you are in a jumping mood! If you want to jump, you can jump on the trampoline”

Stick to what you say:

This is HUGE. If they whine and get their way, they will know that whining works. We have to follow through. When we say something, it is really important to stick to what we have said because if we don’t we are giving the impression to our kids that our words really don’t matter. So think before you talk. Think before you threaten. Think before you say, “If you do this one more time….” I will, “_____”. You MUST be willing to do the _______ if you say it.

Remember every child is different! What works for one doesn’t work for all. The further along I get into this parenting journey, the more I am realized parenting is more of an art than a science.

I also always keep in mind a definition of gentleness I heard decades ago. Gentle means using the least force necessary. I often use my sister and me as an example of this. As kids, my mom (or teachers) merely had to look at me and I would burst into tears at the thought that I did something wrong or earned their disapproval in some way. My sister on the other hand, if told not to cross a certain line, would want to get her toe as close to the line as possible or perhaps even cross it on purpose to see what happened next. My parents wisely knew that most of the time they didn’t need to do much in the form of consequences for me, if a look did the trick. They had to be more creative with my sister.

With my background in Mathematics, I desperately hoped for some sort of formula- when they do or say X, you do or say Y and get the little cooperative obedient angels you’ve always wanted. But, people are so much more complex. Every parent is different and every child is different. Remember, God will equip you to parent your child. And as much as I found a few of these books helpful, you know your child, and you can ask for wisdom and God will give is (James 1:5) so we can give each of our children what he or she needs.

You may have noticed that I didn’t talk much about the actual consequences given: spankings? Time-outs? Taking privileges away?

Here’s the thing: I have friends I love and respect who love spankings (which can be very effective in done appropriately) and those who think it is the worst idea ever (no judgement from me either way! Do what works (within reason of course) for you and your family). I am especially sensitive towards my friends who have foster children: they are not allowed, by law to spank their kiddos. So we must have some other methods of teaching our children to obey and cooperate. We have to find what is most effective for each of our children.

And don’t underestimate the power of praying for and with your children. Life is hectic. Our prayers are not usually very long or eloquent. But, most days during lunch, I put my hands on my boys’ heads and I pray a verse over them from this list by Revive Our Hearts. It is a list of 31 character attributes with Scripture to pray over your children, one for each day of the month. I have it hanging on our fridge so I don’t forget. In the evening we pray over our dinner, but also for our family and friends who sent us Christmas cards. We leave them in a box in the center of the table and pray for one family every night. Do we forget some nights? Yes. There is grace. And again, nothing fancy, but our 2 year old even looks up at me with his precious dimples and says, “Who are we praying for today?”

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