The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 2: A is for Acknowledge Feelings
If you missed part 1, go back and read it here: T is for Training vs. Discipline. It is so important to know the fundamental importance of taking time to not only discipline our children (when they do something “wrong”) but to train them (how to behave “rightly”, interact socially, etc). When it comes to Tantrums, discipline is more reactive, while training is often more proactive.
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A: Acknowledge Feelings
The second tip for taming your child’s tantrums is to acknowledge his feelings. Before you role your eyes, hear me out. I have to admit, at first I thought this sounded a little silly. But, I read a book called Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child The Heart of Parenting
But I was wrong. Sometimes it helps immensely to simply mirror what you perceive your little one to be feeling. They have BIG emotions. Don’t forget they are people, too. When I am upset and I am crying, do I want my husband to tell me, “Honey, it’s not a big deal! You are okay!”, or “Hey, look over here- here is a great snack you can eat.” or to say, “You do NOT need to be mad right now.” I think it’s safe to say that if any wife was met with these responses, she would be more than upset with her husband! Sometimes, it is good to put ourselves in our little people’s shoes. Yes, we are their authority. We are their boss. But they are also Image-Bearers of God. They are souls with skin on them. They have feelings and rights to feel that way, and they are trying to learn how to regulate all of their crazy big emotions (which to be fair is hard for me to do at times). I would say this advice has been especially helpful for one of our sons who is definitely more highly emotional/sensitive. But, really this tip can help for any child.
Another great strategy that was shared with me is 4 step process:
- Regulate– first if they are in a dangerous situation to them or others, remove them. or perhaps they are making a scene or not in a place ideal for correcting. Maybe this looks like pulling your child aside, or removing them to a “safe” place for them to be emotional like their room. They will not be able to hear you or have the ability to process what you are saying unless their emotions are first under control. As a mom of one very highly emotional little boy, this can sometimes be the hardest part. Some ideas to get your child to calm down include teaching him to take a deep breath and count to 4 (courtesy of Daniel Tiger), counting down backwards from 10, or using a calm down bottle (bottle filled with water or oil/food coloring/glitter with the lid glued or taped shut).
- Relate– This is the time where you say out loud (no matter how silly it may seem to you) something like “You are MAD. You didn’t want your brother to smash your block tower! I would be mad too. You worked hard on that tower.” Try to strike a balance between relating to them by saying you understand, maybe even sharing a story from your life, but being careful to not “one-up” them (because who likes that?) or make the situation all about you. I know sometimes in an effort to relate to others, it can be tempting to share a personal story, which can be very helpful as long as it is done in the right context and tone, and as long as you have validated the other person first and don’t turn the whole conversation to be about you and your experience instead of theirs.
- Reason– Now is the chance (age appropriate of course) to reason through. “How can we fix this problem. The problem is, I see two boys who want to play with blocks.” Maybe let your child help come up with a solution if he is able (maybe you can play with these blocks and your brother can play with these blocks or maybe you can build your tower on the table so he won’t crawl to it and knock it down). Or sometimes this looks like us telling our son, “Are you hurt? Is there blood?”, “It is okay to cry when you are hurt or when you are really sad, but you don’t need to cry right now” (not that the book advocates this, but some days it just seems like he cries all day long, and we cannot handle it. I want him to know it is okay to cry, but also that he cannot cry every time any small thing doesn’t go his way.)
- Repair– This looks like making things right. I LOVE the Daniel Tiger song that says, “Saying I’m sorry is the first step, then how can I help?” Seriously, if adults knew and practiced this, there would be a lot more peace in the world. Perhaps this looks like me or his brother helping to rebuild his block tower (after an apology is given).
Example of this in practice: My son (when he was about 20 months old) LOST it when his Paw Paw corrected him (very gently I may add). He went from laughing and playing to full on tantrum in a span of about 2 seconds. Instead of telling him my usual, “You don’t need to cry.” I said, “You are mad. Paw Paw told you no and that made you sad.” And through his sobs, he said, “Yessss.” I held him and then explained why Paw Paw had told him no and assured him that Paw Paw wasn’t mad at him. I then asked if he wanted to play with another toy (distraction method). And he dried up his tears and went on playing. After all, when I am having a hard day, I simply want some one to look at me and say, “You are having a hard day.” One of my friends is incredibly gifted at this- and I love spending time with her because she is so good at acknowledging my feeling, whatever it may be. She is also very quick to remind me of truth (which I am much more willing to receive after feeling that I have been heard and seen).
So the next time your child LOSES her mind over something you think is silly, instead of saying, “You don’t need to cry!” (which to be honest, even with a LOT of practice is sometimes still my first thought or response) or, simply rushing past her emotion to distract her or move her on to something else (i.e. goal= end the tantrum as soon as possible), try mirroring her emotions and body language. You may be shocked at how well she responds. And most importantly, you aren’t only managing her tantrums, you are also relating to her heart. She knows you see her and you care.
And a word to any Mamas out there who think (or know) that their child is definitely high-feeling (highly sensitive person, highly emotional, etc), remember that with every personality there are pros and cons. With the BIG, intense feelings, there may be a lot of high highs and low lows, and between the ages of 1.5 and 4 there may be so many daily tantrums we lose count, but there is also a really BIG and wonderful heart behind all of those emotions. And if we can continue to love and foster our highly sensitive kids’ hearts, teaching them how to regulate their emotions, they will grow into extremely kind and empathetic people with many deep relationships. Perhaps, their big feelings will be a catalyst that prompts action and changes our world for the better.
Also, don’t forget to subscribe to get your free printable- that way you can print the TANTRUMS tips and have them displayed somewhere you can easily see (like the fridge).
check out part 3, N is for Natural Consequences here
