The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide and Other Bonus Parenting Tips
“My child throws tantrums all day long. What do I do? How do I make them stop?” I uttered words similar to these in desperation to our pediatrician at our first son’s 18 month appointment. We had a similar discussion 9 months earlier (for you Mamas of younger babies, you can read about that here discipline starts sooner than you think!). Her response both times was one I’m sure many of you have heard: ignore or distract.
The idea behind ignoring is that if you give any attention to them while they are throwing a fit (positive or negative), they are getting attention and so the behavior is being reinforced. Ignoring never worked for our oldest. We tried it on many occasions, but he is very emotionally aware, and it was too much for him when we didn’t say anything. In fact, one time I ignored him throwing a fit in the back seat of the car for maybe 20 minutes, until we stopped and I couldn’t take it any longer. He cried so hard he literally popped blood vessels in his cheeks- he had red little dots everywhere. Ignoring does work sometimes for our 2nd one. He seems to bounce back quicker from disappointment.
The other most often given piece of advice is to distract a child- they want something dangerous or germy to play with (your phone, the remote, etc) so you find something else and give them a different or new toy to occupy their mind. I see many moms (and dads) become master distractors!
But what do you do when ignoring and distracting come up short? For what seemed like the hundredth time during my motherhood journey, I wondered, “Am I doing something wrong? Why does he throw SO many tantrums. Is this normal?” (just like I wondered if it was normal for my newborn baby to CRY ALL DAY- read more about that here.) I’ve come to learn, yes tantrums are normal. But some toddlers (just like some babies or some teenagers) are definitely more challenging than others. It’s our jobs as Mamas to figure out what works for each of our children.
Some days I feel like my whole day is primarily spent putting out fires, settling tantrums no less than 20 times a day, encouraging brothers to share, and to not yell at each other, but use kind words. We have 3 boys, 3 and under and the older two have had their share of tantrums.
So if you are in the thick of it, you are not alone. Epic meltdowns happen daily over here. And everyone talks up the “terrible twos”, but for us (and many others I know) 3 is way worse than 2. Sometimes it’s enough to drive a Mama to her wits end. Some days it’s incredibly hard to remain patient and calm all while trying to mold your little people into obedient, kind, cooperative children.
Around this time last year when C was 2.5 and D had just turned 1, I felt like I was drowning in the area of tantrums. I had a problem to solve. So of course, I set out to “solve” it by asking countless friends, reading (or listening to) many books. I cannot say that I “solved” all of our tantrums, as we still have them every day at our house. I’ve come to expect tantrums and accept them as “normal” developmental behavior while also learning how to avoid them and use them to teach appropriate responses.
It is HARD. So very, very hard. If you are battling with your toddler all the live long day, maybe these things will help you. Perhaps these ideas come naturally to you (like my mom and sister who are SO wonderful with little kids), but for me, they are things I have had to genuinely work at to learn and I have to practice and continue to learn. Some of these, I feel silly even writing out because they may seem like common sense. But there are things that come as common sense to some (like I mentioned above) but not always to others (like me). I am now armed with resources and tools to help, and so here they are without further adieu, all my best tantrum tips! (Warning, this post is LONG. But I promise you won’t regret reading it. Just keep scrolling…. Just keep scrolling…. Hey, at least it’s much shorter than reading another parenting book.) If this seems TOO long or overwhelming to read, check out the individual posts for each letter here- each with VIDEO lessons/recaps that you can watch or listen to if you don’t have time to read:
The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide- Part 1: T is for Training
The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 2: A is for Acknowledge Feelings
The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 3: N is for Natural Consequences
The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 4: T is for Transitions, Timers and Try Choice Language
The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 5: R is for Redo, Role Play, Rehearse and Reward
The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide: Part 6, U is for Understanding the end goal is their hearts
To help you remember the tips, I came up with an acronym TANTRUMS:
For your free cheat sheet with the Tantrums acronym (handy for hanging on the fridge), subscribe here
T: TRAINING vs Discipline
Possibly my biggest life saving tip is this: there is a difference between training and discipline and as parents we are called to do BOTH. This is so fundamental to our view of parenting. We cannot get angry with our kids for things we have not trained them to do. When C first having tantrums, my thoughts were should we spank him? Put him in time out? Distract? Ignore? In our house, discipline occurs when our kids disobey. It often looks like consequences given, privileges withheld, etc. Discipline is what happens once our kids know the rules, understand our expectations and have clearly broken them.
Training, on the other hand happens when we are not in a high stress situation (no one is crying or breaking any “rules”). Perhaps it’s the first time I have seen a behavior come up (like throwing a car…when C was 8 months old he started throwing everything!) or taking a toy, but often it’s just when we are playing. I use this as an opportunity to teach, all day long.
Ideas for Training:
If it’s the first time I have viewed an undesirable behavior, I simply say something like, “We do not throw cars. But we can throw balls.” I have clearly, simply stated a rule for our house. No car-throwing, but I have also told my child what he CAN do.
“We cannot yell in the house. I see you are in a yelling mood. If you want to yell, you can go in the backyard and yell. “(this works when they are running around like crazy too!)
I tell them the expected behavior: “We use our inside voices.” or if I am feeling silly, I may make it a game by talking about how we can whisper.
When C (our oldest) was just over 1, he would often ask for an apple sauce pouch by pointing and saying, “uhhhh uhhhhh”, and we did not give into his request. We constantly would say, how do you ask? And then sign, “More, please”. He would sign back to us and then we would give him the pouch. Sometimes this backfired when we were in Target and he saw every toy he wanted and kept signing “please” with the hopes I would hand him something from the toy aisle. Once he got more words, we would make him repeat, “May, I have a pouch please?” breaking it down word by word until all he needed was for us to say, “How do you ask nicely? (or kindly or respectfully- use whatever your word of choice is here). We cannot give into their requests when they do not ask how we want them to ask. Do I sometimes forget to make him ask nicely? Yes. I fail every single day. But, I know that he KNOWS what he should say because we have told him countless times.
Practicing Obedience or Desired Behavior Using Games:
For example, we play the game “Come to Mommy”. The boys get on one side of the room and I tell them, when Mommy says, “Come to Mommy” I want you to run to me and look up at me and be ready to listen. Then we practice. Again and again. And we lay on the praise thick: “Oh, look how fast you came! You are such a good listener!” They actually LOVE it. This is training. Then we are at the zoo and I outstretch my arms and tell them, “Come to Mommy” and their response is exactly what they have practiced at home. If it’s not I may simply remind them, “what do you do when I say, ‘Come to Mommy’?” If they do not come when you are practicing, get up and physically MAKE THEM come. That is one reason it is so important to train at a young age. We are still bigger, and can force them to come by carrying them.
Other great games to play include Simon Says and Red Light Green Light. These games teach obedience in a fun way.
In fact, just tonight at the dinner table, we attempted to train our 2 and 3 year old how to have a conversation. When one of them responded unkindly when his Dad asked him a question, we took the time to tell him that when we are eating dinner it is a time to show the people we love that we love them. One of the ways we do that is by looking at them in the eye when they talk to us and answering their questions. I then went and got a ball and attempted to use the ball to explain that when we have a conversation and someone asks a question it is like they threw you a ball. You catch the ball by answering the question, but then you need to keep the “game” going by throwing the ball (asking a question) yourself. I think this object lesson helped our 3.5 year old understood somewhat. Our 2 year old, maybe not quite yet. But they had fun. And they repeated questions we asked like, “What was your favorite part of today?” to each other and laughed as I allowed them to toss the (soft) ball to us.
When we were moving into our new home on a street instead of the cul-de-sac we were used to we were very afraid of the boys running into the street since they were used to doing so. As soon as we moved in, we often had conversations about the street and told them they couldn’t go in the street. And asked them things like, “what happens if a ball rolls into the street?” and tell them, “only grown-ups can go into the street to get it”. We practice holding hands in the parking lot. We tell them what will happen if they disobey the rule (spanking, time out, or whatever consequence you choose). It isn’t fair to punish our children for something they didn’t even know was wrong. So we often make sure to communicate our rules and expectations carefully before we enter into a tempting situation.
Similar to my time in the classroom, if I have routines and procedures in place there was much less time for behavior issues. In addition, if I had a strong relationship with my students, I found that behavior wasn’t nearly as much of a problem. I’ve seen the same things happen with my boys. On days where I have spent most of my day cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, doing laundry, you know…accomplishing tasks, but not connecting nearly as much with them by being present, they tend to not respond as well when I correct or discipline them.
Training happens almost all day. Without knowing it, I’m sure you are constantly training your kids. Any time they do something and you share with them or model for them the appropriate behavior, you are training them. They are watching you and like little sponges are soaking it ALL up. How do you respond when something doesn’t go your way? What kind of tone do you use? What words do you say? They will emulate what they see in you. What an amazing (and sometimes terrifying) privilege!
A: Acknowledge Feelings
Before you role your eyes, hear me out. I have to admit, at first I thought this sounded a little silly. But, I read a book called Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child The Heart of Parenting
- Regulate– first if they are in a dangerous situation to them or others, remove them. or perhaps they are making a scene or not in a place ideal for correcting. Maybe this looks like pulling your child aside, or removing them to a “safe” place for them to be emotional like their room.
- Relate– This is the part where you say outloud (no matter how silly it may seem to you) something like “You are MAD. You didn’t want your brother to smash your block tower! I would be mad too. You worked hard on that tower.”
- Reason– Now is the chance (age appropriate of course) to reason through. “How can we fix this problem. The problem is, I see two boys who want to play with blocks.” Maybe let your child help come up with a solution if he is able. Or sometimes this looks like us telling our son, “Are you hurt? Is there blood?”, “It is okay to cry when you are hurt or when you are really sad, but you don’t need to cry right now” (not that the book advocates this, but some days it just seems like he cries all day long, and we cannot handle it. I want him to know it is okay to cry, but also that he cannot cry every time any small thing doesn’t go his way.)
- Repair– This looks like making things right. I LOVE the Daniel Tiger song that says, “Saying I’m sorry is the first step, then how can I help?” Seriously, if adults knew and practiced there would be a lot more peace in the world. Perhaps this looks like me helping to rebuild the block tower, and making my other son apologize for knocking over his Bubba’s tower.
N: Natural Consequences
Whenever possible, I like to try to use natural consequences with my boys.
When God put Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, He could have not placed the forbidden fruit there, as well. But, He did. He used it as a teaching tool, one that sadly resulted in devastating consequences. Sometimes as parents, it is tempting to remove the “forbidden fruit” from our children’s eyes. Don’t get me wrong, I do this all the time. I don’t put the candy in sight (because I do NOT want to be telling them no all day long). I have child-proofed our doors and cabinets. But, sometimes when we place our kids in a safe bubble where nothing is off limits, we lose the opportunity to teach them what No means. We lose the opportunity to teach boundaries and self-control. When we remove every temptation, we miss some teaching opportunities.
Natural consequences are hard to emulate exactly because they are natural. One example of how I’ve used a “natural”, but technically engineered by Mom consequence is when my boys are having a hard time sharing a toy, or are playing with the toy in an inappropriate or dangerous way. I say, “Oh the toy has to go in time-out now because we are not sharing well.”
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Another example I’ve heard for older children is this scenario: your child forgets his homework on the counter. You can choose to rescue him and bring his paper up to school, or you can choose to leave it there. The natural consequence of him not having his paper will be he gets a failing grade on that assignment, or a deduction for turning in his assignment late. But if we bring his paper up to school, what have we taught him? If we save our children from every “failure” then they will not learn to take responsibility for their own actions. It is so vital to teach our kids that their choices have consequences, from an early age. Now, in the scenario above, I know it would be incredibly hard to let my child fail. And perhaps depending on the exact details of the situation, I wouldn’t. Maybe I would give him grace the first time, but if it was a habit, I wouldn’t rescue him every single time. Funny story: I actually left my lunch at home (I lived with my parent’s just after college) my first year teaching and I was so thankful my Dad rescued me. He drove my lunch up to school. I never forgot it again. So I’m not saying don’t ever rescue your kids. You have to know them well. Each child is different, and it takes wisdom (ask for the Holy Spirit to help guide you) and I’m sure years of practice to know how to best reach each one. Part of our job as parents is to teach responsibility. I would much rather my child receive a bad grade on one assignment than fail big once they are adults when the stakes are much higher (perhaps they would lose a job, a marriage, get in a car wreck). It is much better for them to fail early and often when the consequences are much smaller. When possible, it is great to let consequences be our children’s teacher.
They forget an assignment, their grade goes down.
They forget their coat, they are cold.
They leave their toys all out everywhere, perhaps Mom and Dad hide the toys and don’t let them come out to play the next day.
They spill their drink because they were being careless, they don’t get another one (granted this may result in more tears and sometimes I just don’t want to fight that battle).
Of course, we have to use discernment. There is a balance when it comes to protecting our children from grave danger with high-stakes consequences and giving them grace, and the small teachable examples I’ve mentioned above. And there are different roles for us as parents in different seasons of our kids’ lives. At church recently, we heard this great description of 4 stages of parenting:
- Caregiver (0-5) They are dependent on us for so many things. We often spend much of our day simply meeting their needs.
- Cop (6-11) They start to understand right and wrong, and the idea of fair. Our role is often to help them learn how to make good choices.
- Coach (12-17) During the adolescence stage, we try to start slowly taking our hands off (slightly) to instruct, offer encouragement, praise, support, guidance as they DO things themselves.
- Consultant (18+) Do not offer advice unless asked. Hopefully you have a wonderful relationship and your kids will want to know what you think. But they are adults and have to make their own decisions. Give them room to breathe (I know this stage is going to have to be OH SO hard.
It is vital that we as parents know that the way that we relate to our children should change as they get older. Another great parenting tip I have heard is as soon as a child is old enough to do a task on his own, let him. Oh, how challenging this is for me (I am guilty of sometimes being a control freak!) But remember, our goal as parents is to raise kids who don’t need us anymore…..we are trying to teach them to be responsible adults one day, and it can start at a very young age by letting them do things when they are able (getting themselves dressed, putting on shoes, brushing their teeth, walking the dog, cleaning the counters, folding towels, sweeping the floor, etc).
T: Timer/Transitions/Try Choice Language
This one trick cut our tantrums down by at least 75%! When C was 17 months and we had just had D, things were a little overwhelming at our house to say the least. A friend shared this timer trick with us, and I thought, “I do not think that C will understand that AT ALL.” To my amazement, we tried it and it helped so much, we still use it to this day.
One of the jobs we have as Mamas when it comes to tantrums is to try to get to the root of the tantrum. What is causing this emotional outburst? Often times, my little guys have a hard time with transitions, especially when we have to stop an activity they love (like playing outside, playing at a friend’s house, being at the library or park, etc). To abet in this situation, I have made it a habit of giving a 2 (or 5) minute warning. I simply say, “We are going to go home in 5 minutes”, or “It will be bath time in 2 minutes.” and set the timer on my phone (or Alexa). The first time I ever did this, the timer went off and C followed me to the bath tub WITHOUT TEARS. No tantrum. I was shocked and so thankful. Now that we’ve been doing this sometime, it doesn’t always work as well. They often ask for one more minute and many times we oblige (but just once). We let them feel like they “won” but we planned for them to say one more minute. Sometimes it helps to share control in a sense (at least that’s what all the “experts” say). But, I have definitely seen this to be true in our home. There is a lot more peace when I plan ahead, give warnings and tell my kiddos what to expect. If you would love a visual, there are some fancy timers( Time Timer 
Another way you can help your child transition from one task to another without breaking down and throwing a fit is to have routine cards. You can find many free versions of these online, or you can even take a picture of your child doing each part of his or her routine (get dressed, brush teeth, eat breakfast, put on shoes, get in car, bath time, read book, say prayers, song, kiss goodnight, sleep). Sometimes simply saying, “what comes next in your routine” takes the battle for control away. It isn’t Mommy says this and child doesn’t want to do it, it is simply stating a fact: the next step is _______.
Try Choice Language:
This is HUGE! And probably my second biggest tip to the timer tip above. So many people are huge proponents of Love and Logic. When C first experienced all of these tantrums, I had another hard newborn who was not sleeping ever (like literally ever, he wouldn’t sleep longer than 30 minute stretches for at least the first 7 weeks of his life), and I did not have time to read. But I checked out Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting From Birth to Six Years
These choices should be two choices you are okay with. For example,
- “Do you want Mommy to carry you to the bath or do you want to race?”
- “Would you like to leave now or play for 5 more minutes?”
- “Would you like to wear the yellow shirt or the red shirt?”
- “Do you want to wear your back pack or carry it to the car?”
Now, of course there are moments when my son screams, “NO!”, or chooses the third choice, the one I didn’t mention. If they don’t choose, you simply choose for them and tell them that since they did not choose, Mommy chose for them, and you keep moving, carrying on to the next task.
Another trick I’ve learned is to ask “Which car can your brother play with: the gray one or the red one?” Instead of saying, “Can you share with your brother?” which often elicits the response, “NO! I want to keep these things. They are mine.” You have offered them a choice. The expectation is that he WILL share. He just gets to choose which car to share.
Once I learned to rethink this way, it truly cut down our tantrums maybe in half.
Sometimes I do say something like, “You can choose to obey Mommy, or you can choose to go to time out in your room. Which do you choose?” And then I praise my son when he chooses to obey. Now, true Love and Logic would say that both choices should be desirable to you and your child. But, in my experience, when I offer this choice occasionally, it can be very effective.
R: Redo/Role Play/Rehearse/Reward–
Redo: One of the easiest tools you can use when it comes to training is the Redo tool. If your daughter yells at you a request, simply say, “Um, can you try that again?” If you’ve told her how you expect her to ask you a question respectfully, she will most like comply to your request for her redo. I have my boys redo things ALL of the time. If they use unkind words, or a mean tone, or don’t obey the first time, I often say, “Let’s try that again,” and remind them of the expectation if needed. Do not give into their whiny request. Make them ask politely before you succumb.
Role Play: Y’all! Play is HUGE for little ones. They learn so much through play. Have them use their baby dolls or stuffed animals or cars or trains and act out scenarios. Any issue you are having, you can play make believe. Perhaps you have two stuffed animals fight over a car to play with and make them talk meanly to each other. Often when I do something like this, my boys will laugh, but they almost ALWAYS just know what should be done. They will know that the stuffed animals fighting is not good- that it is better to make peace and share.
You can even do something as simple as talk about scenarios that they may face. I bought Leigh Ann Dutton’s Fruit of the Spirit curriculum for preschoolers a few years ago, and I love an activity she has in there for talking about peace-making (see more from her here: Intentional by Grace). She has a simple print out of different scenarios: it’s time to leave the park but you want to keep playing, you are playing with a toy but another child grabs it out of your hand, Mommy says it’s time to eat dinner but you still want to play with your toys, etc. A few months ago, while my boys were eating an afternoon snack I went over some of these scenarios with them. I simply asked, “What do you do if you are at Bible study and some one is playing with a toy you want. ” And both of my boys (not yet 2 and 3.5) said, “Find another toy!” We also talked about the options of sharing and taking turns or asking if someone wants to trade. I cannot tell you how many times since then I have referenced this conversation. One of them comes up to me with alligator tears saying he wants a certain toy, and I simply say, “What do you do when someone takes a toy you want?” It doesn’t always work, but probably 2 out of 3 times, he will say, “Find another toy.” Or maybe one brother will remember first, and say, “Here you go bubba!” I am truly amazed that me taking 5 minutes months ago to walkthrough some of these peace-making scenarios has made such a lasting impression in their little brains. They are often so much more capable than I give them credit for!
Another similar tool to Role Play is using the books and movies or tv shows you watch to talk through the choices the characters make. For instance, my boys love Finding Nemo. In the beginning, Nemo does not obey his Daddy, swims out into open water and gets snatched by a scuba diver. I often ask my boys, “Did Nemo obey his Daddy?” And I explain to them that Mommy and Daddy want them to obey so that they will be safe.
Rehearse: For a while my boys cried and cried when I dropped them off at church. To help remedy this, on the drive to church, I would talk about what we were doing, that we were going to church and that they would see their nice teacher. Then Mommy would hug them. How many kisses do you want? And then I will go but I will come back! And then when I come back you can say, “Oh Mommy, I’m so happy to see you!” It helps to prepare my kids for what the day holds. I have a similar conversation almost anywhere we go. “We are going to so and so’s house. Now what do we do if someone is playing with a toy you want? How can we show kindness to our friends? What do you do when Mama says it’s time to go?”
Rehearse is a lot like PRACTICE. I heard a story once of a Mom teaching her kids to sit quietly at church by rehearsing at home. She would have all of them sit on the couch and pretend it was church. She would tell them what they could and could not do, etc. She started off small (5 minutes or so, but increased the time interval). Practicing is a huge and often overlooked tool.
And we cannot forget to PREPARE. Along with practicing behavior, I like to prepare my boys for events where they may be tempted to act out because I know they will WANT something there (like a birthday party). I don’t always remember to do this, but when I do, it is helpful. Perhaps we are going into a store, I tell them “We are not getting any presents in here for you today. We are choosing a present for your friend.” Or as we are minutes away from home on a late night, I remind them, “Boys when we get home, we are going to play for 2 minutes, then we are going to go upstairs and brush our teeth and get ready for bed.”
Rehearse what responses you want them to say when you give a request. Again, this may come naturally to you, but I vividly remember watching one of my friends correct her then 3 year old when our oldest wasn’t yet 2. I saw her say, “Who is the boss? You say, ‘Yes Mommy”, and I thought….that is brilliant. Give your child the vocabulary you want them to use. Most of my day is spent telling my boys to say, “Yes, Mommy.” Usually if they say, “No,” to me, I respond in a few ways:
- I say, “You don’t say, ‘No’ to Mommy. Mommy is the boss. You say, ‘Yes, Mommy.'” I wait until they comply. If they don’t I tell them they will have a consequence (usually time out). I say you can say yes Mommy or you can go to time out in your room. Which one do you choose. Sometimes I playfully say, “Who is the boss? You or Mommy?” ***on a side note I heard a great tip from Jen Wilkin, she said when ever possible do not monologue with your children. Instead, dialogue. When we ask our kids questions and wait for the response, we are involving them and engaging them and helping them to truly think instead of just telling them what to do.
- Depending on the circumstances (where we are (public vs. at home), their state of being (tired, hungry)) I may give grace by rewording my request. Perhaps I forgot to use choice language, or give a warning. So I may say, “Do you want to go now or in 5 minutes?” Or I may say, “Would you like to pick up the blocks or the cars?” I say these things after telling them they do not say, “No” to Mommy or Daddy.
Giving them words to use for different scenarios is so powerful. This works well for training manners (“please”, “thank you”, etc), and also entering in social situations, i.e. , when we meet someone new we say, “Hi! My name is ______. What is your name?”
One more helpful tip for preparing to enter in big social situations: teach your child to not interrupt you by simply training them to place their hand on your wrist when they want to be heard. We are still working on this one, but when my husband and I are talking and my oldest is screaming, “Mom! Mom! Listen to me!” we thought it was time to start training. We have practiced by talking and then having him place his hand on my wrist. When I am finished with what I want to say to my hubby, I turn to my son and say, “Yes, sweet boy, what did you want to say to me?” Like I said, this is still a BIG work in progress. But we are hoping to practice, practice, practice. Sometimes I forget and I answer him even when he interrupts. Disciplining and training can be SO hard. Show yourself grace, Mama. We have to be disciplined ourselves to discipline our children and it is definitely not for the faint at heart. We have to be committed for the long haul.
Last R (I told you it’s a long post….sorry, but hopefully it’s helpful….just keep reading, just keep reading)
Reward obedience
Sometimes this looks like me giving my boys a treat for obeying (I usually don’t tell them they will get a treat if they obey, it’s more like I notice they did a wonderful job and then I tell them because you obeyed so well, Mommy has a special treat for you). I even read once about someone who gave their child checks on his hand. I tried this for a while last year, and may bring it back. It sounds so silly, but I would just praise and praise C and then say, “I think you need a check for doing such a good job!” I would whip out a marker from our junk drawer and draw a check on his hand. Hey, whatever works, right?
One of the huge motivators for our children can simply be PRAISE- our words are so incredibly powerful and specific sincere praise can go a very long way. For more ideas about how to praise your child (without just saying “good job” ) check out this post here:
Or read this incredibly practical book- How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7
U: Understand end goal is their hearts-
Like Sara Wallace says, “Discipline isn’t something we do to our kids, it’s something we do for them”.
These tips above are great for raising more cooperative children, but are not so great for getting to the HEART behind the tantrums or the not wanting to share, etc. As a follower of Christ, I have to be so careful to pray and ask God about how to reach and shape my sons’ hearts. It cannot just be about outward behavior modification and tips and tricks. These things do help, and have their place. But, I do not want my boys to believe a false Gospel full of outward obedience (doing “good”) but not inward surrender that leads to true heart change (becoming “good” only in Christ, 2 Cor. 5:21). This is hard to practically communicate to a toddler. For me, sometimes I will get down on my boys level and speak to them softly. I will talk about how Jesus wants us to share, or to love, or to think of others, but how we sometimes want to choose our own way. I often ask them, “Is it possible for you to obey fully?” The answer is, “No!” Because none of us can. We all need Jesus. Part of this also includes me saying I’m sorry to my boys when I mess up, and me confessing to them that Mommy needs Jesus, too. Sometimes I watch my boys handle their own issues, but I notice patterns of selfishness in their hearts (for example, one of my boys is pretty good at manipulating his brother by “trading” to get what ever toy he desires). If I am careful, I am tempted to just let things go unaddressed when no one is bothering me, but I have to be diligent to have hard conversations at the right time. When one brother doesn’t want to share, and the word, “MINE!!!” screams from his mouth, I can enter into judge mode- who had this toy first and how can I be fair, or I can use this opportunity to talk to them about character attributes and their hearts- I can ask questions like, “Which brother wants to show love to his brother by letting him go first? How can you make peace?” You can find more ideas like these from Sara Wallace at The Gospel Centered Mom. She is a mother to 5 young boys, and I have so enjoyed learning from her. For more on perspective and the heart behind why we discipline, check out Sara Wallace’s Book- For the Love of Discipline. You can read my full review here.
M: Manage Expectations, Make use of Gospel Centered language
In college, I heard a Christian speaker share the acronym HALT. He said to be very careful about making BIG decisions. We should get in the habit of pausing and asking are we:
H- Hungry
A- Angry
L- Lonely
T- Tired
We should manage our expectations of our kiddos, too, especially when they are undergoing any of the outside stressors above. Now that I have multiple kids, I sometimes will expect my 2 year old to act like my 3.5 year old, especially since he was so verbal, so young. Sometimes, it is good for me to pause, and remember, he is only 2! I have to have some realistic expectations (not that we shouldn’t require obedience).
Is she hungry- has it been a while since she had a snack? Maybe that is why she is losing her mind.
Has this day just been a day of you constantly having to correct and discipline and now your child is somewhat on edge, angry at everyone? Or perhaps, he is simply frustrated because he isn’t able to do things he wants to be able to do.
Is he lonely- have you not spent much time with him today, intentionally playing?
I know my boys tend to get extra whiny or sometimes super energy charged if it is close to nap or bed time. Perhaps your child is tired, and that is why she is acting out. My boys also wake up from their naps in a REALLY BAD mood most days. So I just hold them on the couch and let them be grumpy for about 15 minutes or so, and then we move on with our day. I know not to ask them to do something they don’t want to do unless I want a full out battle on my hands.
It’s so funny how much my expectations can shape my attitude. When my first was 4 months, if anyone asked me about him, I would give them our sad sleep saga. He was an extremely difficult baby: he cried almost constantly and did not sleep well at all for the first half year of his life. It was so bad, that the mere question, “How is the baby doing?” would bring me to tears more times than not. Fast forward 3 years and 3 babies, and my youngest is now 4 months. He, like his older brother isn’t a fan of sleep (thankfully, he is a happy guy for the most part though now that we got his lip and tongue-tie revised and tried some of our other tools- read more here, if you are interested). When people ask me how things are going with our 3, it’s funny because although my circumstances are arguably more challenging right now than they were 3 years ago, I usually smile. I may mention that I am tired or that E isn’t sleeping well if that question is asked, but for the most part I am focusing on all the good things about this stage. I am very aware that he may be our last little one, and I am trying to do by best to soak up these fleeting (but OH so hard) baby days. I also know that this waking up 5-6 times a night will not last forever. There is a certain perspective that comes with having more children and realizing how quickly they go through each stage.
My husband and I laugh now because we have a much higher tolerance for chaos and crying at our house. I’ve come to realize that 2 year olds just cry a lot. They also seem to change their opinion about food daily. Sometimes they eat everything. Some days they eat nothing. It’s okay. They want their way, and they have to learn they don’t always get what they want. I asked a counselor at church once if I should “discipline” the tantrum itself. I gave an example when I told my son it was time to go and he threw a fit. He was obeying me, but screaming loudly and hysterically. She said it is normal for him to be upset at that age- she asked, what direction were his feet going? She said he has to obey, but he doesn’t have to be happy about it. She said he can feel what he wants to feel but he can’t do what he wants to do. If his feet were following me, he was doing what I asked.
Sometimes when everyone is throwing a tantrum, we just keep trucking along, knowing that they will stop crying eventually. I expect the chaos more, and so my feathers aren’t as easily ruffled when it comes (though I definitely have my days…read more about how I fight for contentment on those days hard days at this post, here).
There has to be a balance of demanding obedience in our homes, but also expecting that our kids are going to need a lot of help. It comes naturally for them to disobey.
Make Use of Gospel-Centered Language:
Use words from Scripture at a level they can understand. Some examples of this include: make peace, reconcile, kind, thoughtful (other character words).
Music– Sometimes music can change a mood incredibly quickly. Is everyone on edge (Mama included), play some fun music. Get up and dance!
Music is also a powerful teacher! I have mentioned Daniel Tiger many times before, but my boys will often sing the jingles- it helps them immensely to calm down, share, know what they can do when they wait, remembering that we are coming back to pick them up, knowing when it’s time to clean up, to go to the potty, to stop and listen to stay safe. If there is something your kids are having trouble with, maybe you can look up a song and see if there is a catchy-jingle that can help be their teacher.
S: Sillyness, Shift Language, Stick to what you say
Be Silly!
When all else fails, make a goofy face! A few weeks ago we were driving somewhere and my boys were all crying in the back seat (what is it about the car that makes my children lose their minds?!). I was tempted to yell, “Be quiet!!”, but instead I looked back at my oldest (who is the only forward facing one) and made a really goofy face. With tears in his eyes, he immediately started laughing and made one back at me.
Be playful. Kids aren’t listening? Try whispering! My boys think it’s so funny when I whisper. They are usually eager to listen.
When the boys are fighting over a toy, my husband came up with a game. He asks them, “Does Daddy need to be the ref?”, and he picks them both up and puts them over each shoulder. They laugh and think it’s the best thing ever. When he’s done, he sets them back down and they magically don’t fight anymore.
Make inanimate objects talk – have pants say I need to get on some legs! Make food say, “I need a mouth!”
Lately, when my boys aren’t eating, I often say, “Oh, wow! Who can make their food disappear?! It is disappearing!!!” You’d be surprise how well this works.
Give in fantasy what you can’t in reality. Before we finally took away my oldest’s paci at 2.5 (read the magic way we did that here, without any tears!), I tried to only give it to him at nap and bedtime. One day he was crying and crying for it, so I got out a piece of paper and drew a picture of a pacifier. I gave it to him, and he stopped crying and proudly walked around with a picture of his paci! I was shocked it worked. (this idea is from How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7
If they are asking for something, tell them you will write down on their “list”
Be playful- they are throwing sand- pretend to push the sand down with your hands and say, “No! Stay down sand!”
My boys can quickly get upset if they get “hurt”. I try to diffuse the situation by “hitting” whatever hurt them. For instance, one of my boys ran into the pole of a swing set at the park because he was running and not watching where he was going. I went over and hit the pole with my hand and said in a silly voice, “Bad pole! Don’t you hit my baby!” He thought it was hilarious and calmed down.
Shift language:
Instead of saying No, constantly, try focusing on what they CAN do. For example, instead of saying “NO, don’t throw that car!”, say, “We don’t throw cars but we can throw balls.” If your kids are yelling- you don’t have to say, “No!”, you can say, “If you want to yell we can yell outside.” They are jumping on the couches: “Oh it looks like you are in a jumping mood! If you want to jump, you can jump on the trampoline”
Stick to what you say:
This is HUGE. If they whine and get their way, they will know that whining works. We have to follow through. When we say something, it is really important to stick to what we have said because if we don’t we are giving the impression to our kids that our words really don’t matter. So think before you talk. Think before you threaten. Think before you say, “If you do this one more time….” I will, “_____”. You MUST be willing to do the _______ if you say it.
Remember every child is different! What works for one doesn’t work for all. The further along I get into this parenting journey, the more I am realized parenting is more of an art than a science.
I also always keep in mind a definition of gentleness I heard decades ago. Gentle means using the least force necessary. I often use my sister and me as an example of this. As kids, my mom (or teachers) merely had to look at me and I would burst into tears at the thought that I did something wrong or earned their disapproval in some way. My sister on the other hand, if told not to cross a certain line, would want to get her toe as close to the line as possible or perhaps even cross it on purpose to see what happened next. My parents wisely knew that most of the time they didn’t need to do much in the form of consequences for me, if a look did the trick. They had to be more creative with my sister.
With my background in Mathematics, I desperately hoped for some sort of formula- when they do or say X, you do or say Y and get the little cooperative obedient angels you’ve always wanted. But, people are so much more complex. Every parent is different and every child is different. Remember, God will equip you to parent your child. And as much as I found a few of these books helpful, you know your child, and you can ask for wisdom and God will give is (James 1:5) so we can give each of our children what he or she needs.
You may have noticed that I didn’t talk much about the actual consequences given: spankings? Time-outs? Taking privileges away?
Here’s the thing: I have friends I love and respect who love spankings (which can be very effective in done appropriately) and those who think it is the worst idea ever (no judgement from me either way! Do what works (within reason of course) for you and your family). I am especially sensitive towards my friends who have foster children: they are not allowed, by law to spank their kiddos. So we must have some other methods of teaching our children to obey and cooperate. We have to find what is most effective for each of our children.
And don’t underestimate the power of praying for and with your children. Life is hectic. Our prayers are not usually very long or eloquent. But, most days during lunch, I put my hands on my boys’ heads and I pray a verse over them from this list by Revive Our Hearts. It is a list of 31 character attributes with Scripture to pray over your children, one for each day of the month. I have it hanging on our fridge so I don’t forget. In the evening we pray over our dinner, but also for our family and friends who sent us Christmas cards. We leave them in a box in the center of the table and pray for one family every night. Do we forget some nights? Yes. There is grace. And again, nothing fancy, but our 2 year old even looks up at me with his precious dimples and says, “Who are we praying for today?”
For other favorite Gospel-Centered Books and Resources, check out our Resource page here
And for other favorite Parenting Books, check out this page:
This blog post should probably win some kind of award for longest blog post, ever….but the way I see it, it’s shorter than any of the above books I mentioned. I really hope you found this helpful. It’s packed full of almost every good parenting tip I’ve heard and about 4 books worth of knowledge. Thank you for taking the time to read it all. I am honored you stopped by. Happy sharing!
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**featured picture credit Kate Miller
