The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 5: R is for Redo, Role Play, Rehearse and Reward |

For those of you who have been following along, welcome back! If you haven’t been following along, welcome to Mama Needs a Manual. This is the 5th part in an 8 part series on Tantrums.

You can find Parts 1-4 here:

The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide- Part 1: T is for Training

The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 2: A is for Acknowledge Feelings

The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 3: N is for Natural Consequences

The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 4: T is for Transitions, Timers and Try Choice Language

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R: Redo/Role Play/Rehearse/Reward–

wouldn’t it be nice (at times) if life had a “rewind” button

Redo: One of the easiest tools you can use when it comes to training is the Redo tool. If your daughter yells at you a request, simply say, “Um, can you try that again?” If you’ve told her how you expect her to ask you a question respectfully, she will most like comply to your request for her redo. I have my boys redo things ALL of the time. If they use unkind words, or a mean tone, or don’t obey the first time, I often say, “Let’s try that again,” and remind them of the expectation if needed. Do not give into their whiny request. Make them ask politely before you succumb.

Wouldn’t it be nice if life had a rewind button? It doesn’t though- so I know that I have to be careful with this redo tool. I don’t want my kids to think that they don’t consequences are always removed if they choose not to obey or ask kindly, etc. Depending on the situation, perhaps it would be appropriate to give your child a consequence and then have them redo what they didn’t do correctly the first time.

Role Play: Y’all! Play is HUGE for little ones. They learn so much through play. Have them use their baby dolls or stuffed animals or cars or trains and act out scenarios. Any issue you are having, you can play make believe. Perhaps you have two stuffed animals fight over a car to play with and make them talk meanly to each other. Often when I do something like this, my boys will laugh, but they almost ALWAYS just know what should be done. They will know that the stuffed animals fighting is not good- that it is better to make peace and share.

You can even do something as simple as talk about scenarios that they may face. I bought Leigh Ann Dutton’s Fruit of the Spirit curriculum for preschoolers a few years ago, and I love an activity she has in there for talking about peace-making (see more from her here: Intentional by Grace). She has a simple print out of different scenarios: it’s time to leave the park but you want to keep playing, you are playing with a toy but another child grabs it out of your hand, Mommy says it’s time to eat dinner but you still want to play with your toys, etc. A few months ago, while my boys were eating an afternoon snack I went over some of these scenarios with them. I simply asked, “What do you do if you are at Bible study and some one is playing with a toy you want. ” And both of my boys (not yet 2 and 3.5) said, “Find another toy!” We also talked about the options of sharing and taking turns or asking if someone wants to trade. I cannot tell you how many times since then I have referenced this conversation. One of them comes up to me with alligator tears saying he wants a certain toy, and I simply say, “What do you do when someone takes a toy you want?” It doesn’t always work, but probably 2 out of 3 times, he will say, “Find another toy.” Or maybe one brother will remember first, and say, “Here you go bubba!” I am truly amazed that me taking 5 minutes months ago to walkthrough some of these peace-making scenarios has made such a lasting impression in their little brains. They are often so much more capable than I give them credit for!

Another similar tool to Role Play is using the books and movies or tv shows you watch to talk through the choices the characters make. For instance, my boys love Finding Nemo. In the beginning, Nemo does not obey his Daddy, swims out into open water and gets snatched by a scuba diver. I often ask my boys, “Did Nemo obey his Daddy?” And I explain to them that Mommy and Daddy want them to obey so that they will be safe.

This is a new favorite of ours for teaching through story, What If Everybody Did That? (What If Everybody? Series):

Rehearse: For a while my boys cried and cried when I dropped them off at church. To help remedy this, on the drive to church, I would talk about what we were doing, that we were going to church and that they would see their nice teacher. Then Mommy would hug them. How many kisses do you want? And then I will go but I will come back! And then when I come back you can say, “Oh Mommy, I’m so happy to see you!” It helps to prepare my kids for what the day holds. I have a similar conversation almost anywhere we go. “We are going to so and so’s house. Now what do we do if someone is playing with a toy you want? How can we show kindness to our friends? What do you do when Mama says it’s time to go?”

Rehearse is a lot like PRACTICE. I heard a story once of a Mom teaching her kids to sit quietly at church by rehearsing at home. She would have all of them sit on the couch and pretend it was church. She would tell them what they could and could not do, etc. She started off small (5 minutes or so, but increased the time interval). Practicing is a huge and often overlooked tool.

And we cannot forget to PREPARE. Along with practicing behavior, I like to prepare my boys for events where they may be tempted to act out because I know they will WANT something there (like a birthday party). I don’t always remember to do this, but when I do, it is helpful. Perhaps we are going into a store, I tell them “We are not getting any presents in here for you today. We are choosing a present for your friend.” Or as we are minutes away from home on a late night, I remind them, “Boys when we get home, we are going to play for 2 minutes, then we are going to go upstairs and brush our teeth and get ready for bed.”

Rehearse what responses you want them to say when you give a request. Again, this may come naturally to you, but I vividly remember watching one of my friends correct her then 3 year old when our oldest wasn’t yet 2. I saw her say, “Who is the boss? You say, ‘Yes Mommy”, and I thought….that is brilliant. Give your child the vocabulary you want them to use. Most of my day is spent telling my boys to say, “Yes, Mommy.” Usually if they say, “No,” to me, I respond in a few ways:

I say, “You don’t say, ‘No’ to Mommy. Mommy is the boss. You say, ‘Yes, Mommy.'” I wait until they comply. If they don’t I tell them they will have a consequence (usually time out). I say you can say yes Mommy or you can go to time out in your room. Which one do you choose. Sometimes I playfully say, “Who is the boss? You or Mommy?” ***on a side note I heard a great tip from Jen Wilkin, she said when ever possible do not monologue with your children. Instead, dialogue. When we ask our kids questions and wait for the response, we are involving them and engaging them and helping them to truly think instead of just telling them what to do.
Depending on the circumstances (where we are (public vs. at home), their state of being (tired, hungry)) I may give grace by rewording my request. Perhaps I forgot to use choice language, or give a warning. So I may say, “Do you want to go now or in 5 minutes?” Or I may say, “Would you like to pick up the blocks or the cars?” I say these things after telling them they do not say, “No” to Mommy or Daddy.

Giving them words to use for different scenarios is so powerful. This works well for training manners (“please”, “thank you”, etc), and also entering in social situations, i.e. , when we meet someone new we say, “Hi! My name is ______. What is your name?”

One more helpful tip for preparing to enter in big social situations: teach your child to not interrupt you by simply training them to place their hand on your wrist when they want to be heard. We are still working on this one, but when my husband and I are talking and my oldest is screaming, “Mom! Mom! Listen to me!” we thought it was time to start training. We have practiced by talking and then having him place his hand on my wrist. When I am finished with what I want to say to my hubby, I turn to my son and say, “Yes, sweet boy, what did you want to say to me?” Like I said, this is still a BIG work in progress. But we are hoping to practice, practice, practice. Sometimes I forget and I answer him even when he interrupts. Disciplining and training can be SO hard. Show yourself grace, Mama. We have to be disciplined ourselves to discipline our children and it is definitely not for the faint at heart. We have to be committed for the long haul.

Reward obedience

Sometimes this looks like me giving my boys a treat for obeying (I usually don’t tell them they will get a treat if they obey, it’s more like I notice they did a wonderful job and then I tell them because you obeyed so well, Mommy has a special treat for you). I even read once about someone who gave their child checks on his hand. I tried this for a while last year, and may bring it back. It sounds so silly, but I would just praise and praise C and then say, “I think you need a check for doing such a good job!” I would whip out a marker from our junk drawer and draw a check on his hand. Hey, whatever works, right?

One of the huge motivators for our children can simply be PRAISE- our words are so incredibly powerful and specific sincere praise can go a very long way. For more specific ideas about how to praise your child (without just saying “good job” ) check out this post here:

IMG_6096-2 — Read the specifics **here**

Or read this incredibly practical book- How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen: A Survival Guide to Life with Children Ages 2-7 (side note: I do not agree with everything these authors say- for example, they don’t believe in giving any consequences, but I chose not to throw the baby out with the bath water, and learn from the many creative solutions and tips the authors give to get your kids to cooperate. They include easy to read sections on everything from how to get your kid to eat at meal times to how to get them to stop lying)

For your free cheat sheet with the Tantrums acronym (handy for hanging on the fridge), subscribe here