The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 3: N is for Natural Consequences |

If you missed Part 1, T is for Training or Part 2, A is for acknowledge feelings, you can find them here:

The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide- Part 1: T is for Training

The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 2: A is for Acknowledge Feelings

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N: Natural Consequences

Whenever possible, I like to try to use natural consequences with my boys.

This piece of advice has more to do with discipline in general, rather than tantrums, specifically, but I think it is still helpful to include. Before I was a parent, I would sometimes look towards a kid having an epic meltdown in a store and naively think, “One day, if (when) I have children, I am going to make sure my kids do not behave like that.” Now, 3 and a half years and some change into parenting, that thought literally makes me laugh out loud. Yeah right. Now when I see kids throwing tantrums in public (my kids often still fall in this category), I think, “Good job, Mom! Good job, Dad!” because I know it would be easier to give into the child’s requests and demands to end the tantrum. My heart also goes out to these parents, and if I can I try to give a friendly look of, “I am there with you, one that says, me too, sister, me too.” Often times, those kids are throwing tantrums BECAUSE their parents are doing the hard work of saying, “No”. So what do we do when our kids are throwing tantrums (check out part 1 and part 2 above for some already mentioned tips) or when they are disobeying us? That is where the idea of natural consequences comes in.

When God put Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, He could have NOT placed the forbidden fruit there. Think about that. He could have just made all the trees “safe” to eat from. But, He didn’t. He used this tree as a teaching tool, one that sadly resulted in devastating consequences. Sometimes as parents, it is tempting to remove the “forbidden fruit” from our children’s eyes. Don’t get me wrong, I do this all the time. I don’t put the candy in sight (because I do NOT want to be telling them no all day long). I have child-proofed our doors and cabinets. But, sometimes when we place our kids in a safe bubble where nothing is off limits, we lose the opportunity to teach them what No means. We lose the opportunity to teach boundaries and self-control. When we remove every temptation, we miss some teaching opportunities. The tricky part (and the part that requires wisdom) is knowing when to let our children have a little bit of freedom to fail and to learn from their failure.

Natural consequences are hard to emulate exactly because by definition, they are natural. One example of how I’ve used a “natural”, but technically engineered by Mom consequence is when my boys are having a hard time sharing a toy, or are playing with the toy in an inappropriate or dangerous way. I say, “Oh the toy has to go in time-out now because we are not sharing well.”

A few weeks ago, my 3 year old asked me about punishment. I took the opportunity to introduce the word, consequence. He then asked, “Is that like a spanking or a time out?” To which, I replied, “It can be, but it can also be something that just happens. Like if you hold your food down low off the table, what happens?” And he replied, “Tenley (our dog) eats it!” I said, “That is the consequence” I then went on to attempt to explain that there can be good consequences, too, like when you obey Mommy, it makes me happy or when you are kind to your brother, he may be kind to you. (But sometimes, sadly the world isn’t fair and it doesn’t always work out that way, but I digress.)

Another example I’ve heard for older children is this scenario: your child forgets his homework on the counter. You see his homework and you have two choices: 1) You can choose to rescue him and bring his paper up to school, or 2) You can choose to leave it there. The natural consequence of him not having his paper will be that he gets a failing grade on that assignment, or a deduction for turning in his assignment late. But if we bring his paper up to school, what have we taught him? If we save our children from every “failure” then they will not learn to take responsibility for their own actions. It is so vital to teach our kids that their choices have consequences, from an early age. Now, in the scenario above, I know it would be incredibly hard to let my child fail. And perhaps depending on the exact details of the situation, I wouldn’t. Maybe I would give him grace the first time, but if it was a habit, I wouldn’t rescue him every single time. Funny story: I actually left my lunch at home (I lived with my parent’s just after college) my first year teaching, and I was so thankful my Dad rescued me. He drove my lunch up to school. I never forgot it again. So I’m not saying don’t ever rescue your kids. You have to know them well. Each child is different, and it takes wisdom (ask for the Holy Spirit to help guide you), and I’m sure years of practice to know how to best reach each one. Part of our job as parents is to teach responsibility. I would much rather my child receive a bad grade on one assignment than fail big once they are adults when the stakes are much higher (perhaps they would lose a job, a marriage, get in a car wreck). It is much better for them to fail early and often when the consequences are much smaller. When possible, it is great to let consequences be our children’s teacher.

They forget an assignment, their grade goes down.
They choose to play video games instead of study and they fail a test.
They forget their coat, they are cold.
They leave their toys all out everywhere, perhaps Mom and Dad hide the toys and don’t let them come out to play the next day.
They spill their drink because they were being careless, they don’t get another one (granted this may result in more tears and sometimes I just don’t want to fight that battle).

Of course, we have to use discernment. There is a balance when it comes to protecting our children from grave danger (like keeping them out of the street, for example) with high-stakes consequences and or giving them grace, and the small teachable examples I’ve mentioned above. Some times we need to step in (and make our kids study!) but as they get older, we hopefully slowly loosen the reigns and let them be responsible for their own choices. If we don’t, they will not be ready for the real world. If we hover too long, they will expect us to clean up after them their whole lives. We hope that when they leave our homes (and our supervision) they have intrinsic motivation to choose wisely on their own accord. There are different roles for us as parents in different seasons of our kids’ lives. In fact, at church recently, we heard this great description of 4 stages of parenting:

Caregiver (0-5 yrs) They are dependent on us for so many things. We often spend much of our day simply meeting their needs.
Cop (6-11 yrs) They start to understand right and wrong, and the idea of fair. Our role is often to help them learn how to make good choices.
Coach (12-17 yrs) During the adolescence stage, we try to start slowly taking our hands off (slightly) to instruct, offer encouragement, praise, support, guidance as they DO things themselves.
Consultant (18+ yrs) Do not offer advice unless asked. Hopefully you have a wonderful relationship and your kids will want to know what you think. But they are adults and have to make their own decisions. Give them room to breathe (I know this stage is going to have to be OH SO hard.

It is vital that we as parents know that the way that we relate to our children should change as they get older. Another great parenting tip I have heard is as soon as a child is old enough to do a task on his own, let him. Oh, how challenging this is for me (I am guilty of sometimes being a control freak!) But remember, our goal as parents is to raise kids who grow into men and women who don’t need us anymore…..we are trying to teach them to be responsible adults one day, and it can start at a very young age by letting them do things when they are able (getting themselves dressed, putting on shoes, brushing their teeth, walking the dog, cleaning the counters, folding towels, sweeping the floor, etc). And I’ve found that any time I ask them if they want to help, at this young age (2 and 3), they are so EAGER. The are excited to be of value and to “help” (even if it means things take a lot longer or get a lot messier). I try to let go a few times a week and let them help me cook or clean.

So when it comes to discipline, to giving a consequence for a rule or expectation broken, before jumping to time out (or spankings) immediately, try to pause and think, “How could I model a ‘natural’ consequence for this given situation?” Sometimes it takes a little more creativity, but I have found it is often worth the time.