The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide- Part 1: T is for Training

“My child throws tantrums all day long. What do I do? How do I make them stop?” I uttered words similar to these in desperation to our pediatrician at our first son’s 18 month appointment. We had a similar discussion 9 months earlier (for you Mamas of younger babies, you can read about that here discipline starts sooner than you think!). Her response both times was one I’m sure many of you have heard: ignore or distract.

The idea behind ignoring is that if you give any attention to them while they are throwing a fit (positive or negative), they are getting attention and so the behavior is being reinforced. Ignoring never worked for our oldest. We tried it on many occasions, but he is very emotionally aware, and it was too much for him when we didn’t say anything. In fact, one time I ignored him throwing a fit in the back seat of the car for maybe 20 minutes, until we stopped and I couldn’t take it any longer. He cried so hard he literally popped blood vessels in his cheeks- he had red little dots everywhere. Ignoring does work sometimes for our 2nd one. He seems to bounce back quicker from disappointment.

The other most often given piece of advice is to distract a child- they want something dangerous or germy to play with (your phone, the remote, etc) so you find something else and give them a different or new toy to occupy their mind. I see many moms (and dads) become master distractors!

But what do you do when ignoring and distracting come up short? For what seemed like the hundredth time during my motherhood journey, I wondered, “Am I doing something wrong? What does he throw SO many tantrums. Is this normal?” (just like I wondered if it was normal for my newborn baby to CRY ALL DAY- read more about that here.) I’ve come to learn, yes tantrums are normal. But some toddlers (just like some babies or some teenagers) are definitely more challenging than others. It’s our jobs as Mamas to figure out what works for each of our children.

Some days I feel like my whole day is primarily spent putting out fires, settling tantrums no less than 20 times a day, encouraging brothers to share, and to not yell at each other, but use kind words. We have 3 boys, 3 and under and the older two have had their share of tantrums.

So if you are in the thick of it, you are not alone. Epic meltdowns happen daily over here.  And everyone talks up the “terrible twos”, but for us (and many others I know) 3 is way worse than 2. Sometimes it’s enough to drive a Mama to her wits end. Some days it’s incredibly hard to remain patient and calm all while trying to mold your little people into obedient, kind, cooperative children.

Around this time last year when C was 2.5 and D had just turned 1, I felt like I was drowning in the area of tantrums. I had a problem to solve. So of course, I set out to “solve” it by asking countless friends, reading (or listening to) many books. I cannot say that I “solved” all of our tantrums, as we still have them every day at our house. I’ve come to expect tantrums and accept them as “normal” developmental behavior while also learning how to avoid them and use them to teach appropriate responses.

It is HARD. So very, very hard. If you are battling with your toddler all the live long day, maybe these things will help you. Perhaps these ideas come naturally to you (like my mom and sister who are SO wonderful with little kids), but for me, they are things I have had to genuinely work at to learn and I have to practice and continue to learn. Some of these, I feel silly even writing out because they may seem like common sense. But there are things that come as common sense to some (like I mentioned above) but not always to others (like me). I am now armed with resources and tools to help, and so here they are without further adieu, all my best tantrum tips! (Warning, this post is LONG. But I promise you won’t regret reading it. Just keep scrolling…. Just keep scrolling…. Hey, at least it’s much shorter than reading another parenting book.)

To help you remember the tips, I came up with an acronym TANTRUMS (sign up here to grab your free printable)

T: TRAINING vs Discipline

Possibly my biggest life saving tip is this: there is a difference between training and discipline and as parents we are called to do BOTH. This is so fundamental to our view of parenting. We cannot get angry with our kids for things we have not trained them to do. When C first started having tantrums, my thoughts were should we spank him? Put him in time out? Distract? Ignore? In our house, discipline occurs when our kids disobey. It often looks like consequences given, privileges withheld, etc. Discipline is what happens once our kids know the rules, understand our expectations and have clearly broken them.

Training, on the other hand happens when we are not in a high stress situation (no one is crying or breaking any “rules”), before the need for discipline. Perhaps it’s the first time I have seen a behavior come up (like throwing a car…when C was 8 months old he started throwing everything!) or taking a toy, but often it’s just when we are playing. I use this as an opportunity to teach, all day long.

Ideas for Training:

If it’s the first time I have viewed an undesirable behavior, I simply say something like, “We do not throw cars. But we can throw balls.” I have clearly, simply stated a rule for our house. No car-throwing, but I have also told my child what he CAN do. You may even want to add in a “why” behind your rule. Your child may or not be able to understand your reasoning, but even when you think they may not care, I have found it helpful to explain my thought process behind the rule. For example, “You cannot throw cars. Feel the car. Is it hard or soft? Oh! Ouch! That would hurt if it hit someone.” I have heard my 3 year old repeat this logical process to his 2 year old brother, telling him why we have a certain rule at our house.

“We cannot yell in the house. I see you are in a yelling mood. If you want to yell, you can go in the backyard and yell. “(this works when they are running around like crazy too!)

I tell them the expected behavior: “We use our inside voices.” or if I am feeling silly, I may make it a game by talking about how we can whisper.

When C (our oldest) was just over 1, he would often ask for an apple sauce pouch by pointing and saying, “uhhhh uhhhhh”, and we did not give into his request. We constantly would say, how do you ask? And then sign, “More, please”. He would sign back to us and then we would give him the pouch. Sometimes this backfired when we were in Target and he saw every toy he wanted and kept signing “please” with the hopes I would hand him something from the toy aisle. Once he got more words, we would make him repeat, “May, I have a pouch please?” breaking it down word by word until all he needed was for us to say, “How do you ask nicely? (or kindly or respectfully- use whatever your word of choice is here). We cannot give into their requests when they do not ask how we want them to ask. Do I sometimes forget to make him ask nicely? Yes. I make mistakes every single day. But, I know that he KNOWS what he should say because we have told him countless times.

Practicing Obedience or Desired Behavior Using Games:

For example, we play the game “Come to Mommy”. The boys get on one side of the room and I tell them, when Mommy says, “Come to Mommy” I want you to run to me and look up at me and be ready to listen. Then we practice. Again and again. And we lay on the praise thick: “Oh, look how fast you came! You are such a good listener!” They actually LOVE it. This is training. Then we are at the zoo and I outstretch my arms and tell them, “Come to Mommy” and their response is exactly what they have practiced at home. If it’s not I may simply remind them, “what do you do when I say, ‘Come to Mommy’?” If they do not come when you are practicing, get up and physically MAKE THEM come. That is one reason it is so important to train at a young age. We are still bigger, and can force them to come by carrying them.

Other great games to play include Simon Says and Red Light Green Light. These games teach obedience in a fun way. They cut down on tantrums when you are in a situation later on and need your child to stop and simply say, “Red light!” If they have practiced enough, they will freeze.

In fact, just tonight at the dinner table, we attempted to train our 2 and 3 year old how to have a conversation. When one of them responded unkindly when his Dad asked him a question, we took the time to tell him that when we are eating dinner it is a time to show the people we love that we love them. One of the ways we do that is by looking at them in the eye when they talk to us and answering their questions. I then went and got a ball and attempted to use the ball to explain that when we have a conversation and someone asks a question it is like they threw you a ball. You catch the ball by answering the question, but then you need to keep the “game” going by throwing the ball (asking a question) yourself. I think this object lesson helped our 3.5 year old understood somewhat. Our 2 year old, maybe not quite yet. But they had fun. And they repeated questions we asked like, “What was your favorite part of today?” to each other and laughed as I allowed them to toss the (soft) ball to us.

When we were moving into our new home on a street instead of the cul-de-sac we were used to we were very afraid of the boys running into the street since they were used to doing so. As soon as we moved in, we often had conversations about the street and told them they couldn’t go in the street. And asked them things like, “what happens if a ball rolls into the street?” and tell them, “only grown-ups can go into the street to get it”. We practice holding hands in the parking lot. We tell them what will happen if they disobey the rule (spanking, time out, or whatever consequence you choose). It isn’t fair to punish our children for something they didn’t even know was wrong. So we often make sure to communicate our rules and expectations carefully before we enter into a tempting situation.

Similar to my time in the classroom, if I have routines and procedures in place there was much less time for behavior issues. In addition, if I had a strong relationship with my students, I found that behavior wasn’t nearly as much of a problem. I’ve seen the same things happen with my boys. On days where I have spent most of my day cooking, cleaning, changing diapers, doing laundry, you know…accomplishing tasks, but not connecting nearly as much with them by being present, they tend to not respond as well when I correct or discipline them.

Training happens almost all day. Without knowing it, you are constantly training your children. Any time they do something and you share with them or model for them the appropriate behavior, you are training them. They are watching you and like little sponges are soaking it ALL up. How do you respond when something doesn’t go your way? What kind of tone do you use? What words do you say? They will emulate what they see in you. I think many of us have had moments when we wonder, “Where did he learn that word?” They are always, always watching you! What an amazing (and sometimes terrifying) privilege!

Training helps with Tantrums because we have prepared our children. They know what we expect of them. Children thrive in situations where they know they are safe: they are loved and cared for and have clear boundaries in place. We continue to teach and reteach all day long, every single day what is expected of them, so when we ask them to come, they come (hopefully without throwing a tantrum) if it is something they have practiced often.

For more advice check out part 2, coming tomorrow! Subscribe to get your free printable  to put on your refrigerator so you can easily reference it when in need! (I know I often read something and think, “good idea”, but then hours or days later I have trouble recalling the tip I read, so hopefully this will help you know you have at least 8 easily accessible “tools” in your parenting box)

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For more great ideas on training, check out Sara Wallace’s book, For the Love of Discipline: When the Gospel Meets Tantrums and Time-Outs.

• Find Part 2, A is for Acknowledging Feelings here

All the rest of the series can be found here:

The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 2: A is for Acknowledge Feelings

The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 3: N is for Natural Consequences

The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 4: T is for Transitions, Timers and Try Choice Language

The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 5: R is for Redo, Role Play, Rehearse and Reward

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