Gospel Hope for the Good Mom: Freedom from the Shoulds of Motherhood
My favorite Christmas present was a Baby Shivers doll. I got her when I was 6 years old and I was beyond excited to have a doll that looked so real. From a young age, I was always quite concerned with appearances. My mom amiably let me use some of my little sister’s diapers and baby clothes to dress her. My closet served as her room, with a little crib and even a monogrammed blanket. I named her Katelynn Marie.
I cannot remember a time in my life where I did not want to mother. I mothered my younger brother and sister. At times, I mothered my friends. So, after years of singleness, when God so graciously, granted me my heart’s deepest desire in the gifts of marriage and children, I thought I would feel like I was fulfilling the very role He had been preparing me for my whole life. I finally had the title I so coveted: Mom. This was going to be easy. I treated this transition like many others in my life: I read books, I talked to experienced mothers, I prayed, and I even watched some videos about how to take care of newborns. I was prepared. Or, so I thought.
I so desperately wanted someone to tell me I was doing a good job, but I felt like a failure at every turn when I struggled to meet his most basic needs.
As soon as my precious 9-pound baby boy was laid on my chest- and he wouldn’t stop screaming, I knew my expectations and my reality were at odds. Almost immediately, I began to question every single parenting decision I was making. He was incredibly difficult to soothe for the first several months of his life. I so desperately wanted someone to tell me I was doing a good job, but I felt like a failure at every turn when I struggled to meet his most basic needs. I quit a job I loved, one I felt so very called to, appreciated in, and good at, to stay at home with him. In those first several months, I often wondered why.
Fast forward a few years and add a couple of more babies. As a recovering perfectionist and high achiever (possibly an enneagram #1, for those of you ennegram-lovers out there ) and with no way to measure my success as a mother, I let many subtle lies creep in about what it means to mother well. How exactly do I attain “good mom” status? What is the magic if-then formula that will result in the outcome I so desperately desire?
We are mothers. We are exhausted. We feel the weight of the responsibility. God has entrusted us with little image-bearers, and rightly so we do not take our role lightly.
So we research, we pray, we try and try some more. We look around to see what others we respect are doing, desperately seeking wisdom, wondering if what worked for her will work for us, too. We long for validation, results, measurements, anything to help us determine if we are doing a “good” enough job. But there are so many decisions, so many variables, endless tasks at hand. There is no one right way to parent, and every child is different, but we must make countless decisions daily that will affect the course of our little people’s lives.
“You are doing a good job,” six words every mother desires to hear- so much so- we subconsciously place burdens upon ourselves. We heap spoonfuls of shoulds on our plates and break our backs attempting to carry the load, even at times making sure we announce to everyone else just how heavy our plate is. Inevitably, our load will come crashing down. We cannot hold all the things. We are not God. We cannot do everything. Only He can.
However, I struggle to functionally walk this truth out. As I attempt to make decisions in the name of wisdom, if I am not careful, I can come to worship my method over my Maker. Perhaps if only I choose the right diet, schedule, activities, education curriculum, meaningful family traditions, then I will get this whole motherhood gig right.
The truth is no amount of preferred methodology, performance or approval of others is going make me (or you) a good Mom. Only when I find my primary identity in the only good One, Jesus, am I free from the heavy burden of all the shoulds.
Lie #1: Good Moms should choose a certain method.
Our methodology can amount to idolatry. Diligently chosen practices and patterns inform our parenting techniques and choices, and although these preferences have their place, they bring destruction when they have the supreme place.
- I am a good mom if I breastfeed my babies until they are at least a year old, but a little older is extra points.
- I am a good mom if I let my babies cry some, teach them to self-soothe and put them on a schedule from the time they leave my womb, or alternatively it I feed my babies on demand and never let them cry, preferably carrying them or wearing them at all times.
- I am a good mom if my kids eat healthy, organic, non-processed foods extra points if they are picked from my own garden.
- I am a good mom if I do baby-led weaning and never feed my kid sugar. Ever.
- I am a good mom if I practice natural wellness and avoid antibiotics at all costs.
- I am a good mom if I leave my children rear facing until they are basically old enough to drive.
- I am a good mom if I use certain gospel-centered resources: books, music, toys, games, family devotionals with my kids and am always purposefully teaching them about Jesus.
- I am a good mom if I homeschool my children, give my children a private Christian education or ensure they are missional and around a diverse group of people in public school.
- I am a good mom if I make sure to give my children many worthwhile experiences- travel, education, music, mission trips, gymnastics or sports classes to teach character.
- I am a good mom if I stay at home with my kids, or alternatively, if I work out side of the home, so I can model for my kids the importance of using the gifts God has given me.
- I am a good mom if I make sure to celebrate every single holiday in a very intentional way, especially advent and lent.
- I am a good mom if I read to my kids at least 30 minutes out loud, every day.
- I am a good mom if my kids don’t watch too much tv, and I limit any use of technology.
- I am a good mom if I use the correct gospel-centered language with my children, follow the wisest people on social media, and listen to the best podcasts (knowledge is power!). In all seriousness though, Don’t Mom Alone and Risen Motherhood are incredible resources!
In His great mercy, God humbled me greatly at the very beginning of my motherhood journey, lest I be prideful and point to some methodology I used that made my baby a great sleeper. The heart behind pride is that of self-sufficiency: I can do it all by myself. Thankfully, God did not leave a place for that when nearly everything I tried did not work how I intended. What other Moms swear by may not work for you. That is okay. Children are people. They are not machines. Let’s not project our perceived successes or failures on to other mothers.
Motherhood is a vehicle to know Him more, to love Him more, and to delight in Him more, not a place to find our primary worth.
Motherhood is a vehicle to know Him more, to love Him more, and to delight in Him more, not a place to find our primary worth. When we are lacking, we see that He is more than able. When we are weak, we see that He is strong. When we cannot meet all of children’s needs (seriously someone is almost always crying at my house), we tell them about the One who can, the Ultimate Need-Meeter.
We can know these truths, but we still must make decisions. How do we know what is best? I often feel scarred from those early months of motherhood where every method I tried failed to soothe my intensely colicky baby (x 3). I wonder am I doing what is best? Am I doing enough?
In His kindness, He reminds me, Daughter, it is not about what you do, it is about what I have done. Rest in me. Be faithful. And still, I ask again, “But God, which discipline method should I use with him? Which way is right? I don’t know what method to choose.” Hungry for knowledge, I treat it as supreme and start googling away. (read more at Mama Doesn’t Always Know Best)
When we attempt to mother in someone else’s skill set, we are like David attempting to fight in King Saul’s armor rather than in the comfort of his sling and stones.
The Gospel Accounts record Jesus healing blind men in three cities, in three different ways (Mark 8: a healing in stages in Bethsaida, Mark 10: by His Word in Jericho, John 9: with mud and washing in water in Siloam). If Jesus, Himself models multiple methods to accomplish His similar purpose, are we not free to do the same? There is often more than one right way. As Pastor Gregg Matte says, “God’s will is not the needle in the hay stack, but the hay. Adam and Eve could eat from ANY tree in the garden but one. There were many right choices and only one wrong one. God calls people in the Scriptures to live God-honoring lives in a myriad of ways. There is freedom in Christ and there are many good choices. Let’s show one another grace, Mamas. In all the extra-biblical areas, when others choose differently than you, it does not mean they are wrong. We have all been given different personalities, gifts, and talents. When we attempt to mother in someone else’s skill set, we are like David attempting to fight in King Saul’s armor rather than in the comfort of his sling and stones. We cannot all be the crunchy mom, the super fit mom, the homeschool mom or the super successful working mom. But, we can all be the dependent Mom, the one who relies on her God and not her own googling abilities, who eats from the tree of life instead of the tree of knowledge and who is full of humility instead of pride.
Lie #2: Good Moms (and their children) should perform a certain way.
My children’s performance:
- I am a good mom if my child can read (or insert any skill here) before kindergarten.
- I am a good mom if my baby meets every single developmental early.
- I’m a good mom if my kid is off the charts on his growth curve
- I am a good mom if my kids are socially well adjusted and always obey their teachers, show kindness to others, and never ever throw tantrums in public. They know obedience brings joy, and they obey the first time, all the time, with a happy heart.
- I am a good mom if my kids are friendly and easily answer questions when asked.
- I am a good mom if my children are successful (relationally, financially, spiritually).
My performance:
- I am a good mom if I always keep my cool and never, ever lose my patience or yell at my children.
- I am a good mom if I give birth unmedicated, al-natural and avoid a c-section at all costs.
- I am a good mom if I focus on my kids instead of my to-do list.
- I am a good mom if I am selfless and daily model the fruit of the Spirit.
- I am a good mom if I practice self-care, making sure to take time to recharge, read my Bible (either extra early, or in front of my kids so they can see) or get my daily work outs in.
- I am a good mom if I keep a clean house, or better yet teach my kids to clean it by the time they can walk.
- I am a good mom if I find some creative way to make extra income for my family.
- I am a good mom if I show my children the importance of evangelism.
We add to the Law, Like the Pharisees when we Mother under Shoulds
When we live under the burden of these conditional good mother statements, we essentially add to the law. Like the Pharisees, we lift high the law of motherhood shoulds over our Lord. Unable to see their need for Christ, the law makers and followers were blind. They missed Him even though He stood in front of them. They knew better than those people, that rag-tag bunch of uneducated and untrained men, fishermen and tax collectors. They had an education after all. They were worthy. They deserved the power, the recognition, the respect, the praise. Their performance reviews were off the charts. They did all the “right things.”
When I cling to my unspoken motherhood law, attempting to follow it down to the letter, I am trusting in my flesh over the Spirit, giving praise to performance instead of the Person who paid it all.
Sadly, I am often more like them than I care to admit. When I cling to my unspoken motherhood law, attempting to follow it down to the letter, I am trusting in my flesh over the Spirit, giving praise to performance instead of the Person who paid it all. Desired outcomes create in us a dangerous heart of pride- one that falsely believes our children are doing well due to our awesome mothering skills rather than by grace of God.
Just as Adam and Eve could not cover themselves with their self-made fig leaves, I cannot cover my shame with my fig leaves of methods or performance. My misshapen foliage composed of how I choose to educate, feed or discipline my kids isn’t going to justify me or my children before a Holy God. I cannot be about making myself look great. God will not give His glory to another.
The Father in the Prodigal Son runs to his boy, and God, too draws near to our first parents in the Garden. He pursues them, He kills an animal and covers them with clothes He makes. And praise Him, He has done this for us, too, once for all in the Person of Jesus. His blood covers all our efforts. My three-year old currently asks for the song, Nothing but the blood of Jesus on repeat. He even asks Alexa to play it. My heart can never hear it enough.
Nothing can for sin atone.
Nothing but the blood of Jesus;
Naught of good that I have done,
Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
There is no good Mom report card.
The law was never intended to bring us to life. We can follow every good idea we read or see and still not gain the outcome we desire. The law was not meant to give us gain, but to be our tutor- to show us our need for Christ (Gal 3:24). He has canceled our records (Colossians 2:14)- the report cards are gone, A’s or F’s, pride or shame, good deeds or missteps. The record is all torn up, shredded, demolished, the demands fulfilled in Christ. We are not defined by what we do but by who we KNOW. We do not receive the Spirit by works of the law, but by hearing with faith (Galatians 3:2), and what began by the Spirit is not completed by our works.
Lie #3: Good Moms should care about other people’s perception and approval.
- I am a good mom if I throw my kids Pinterest-perfect birthday parties and bake their cake, from scratch of course, or on the other hand if I am a laid-back Mom and try to not make them the center of attention and request no presents for their parties (we don’t want them to be too entitled).
- I am a good mom if I am not on my phone when I am around my children so that I can always give them my undivided attention.
- I am a good mom if I take perfectly coordinated family pictures every year.
- I am a good mom if my family is always well-dressed.
- I am a good mom if my home is beautiful and functional, and I am regularly practicing hospitality.
- I am a good mom if I don’t care too much what others think (I just care just the right amount- we have to be winsome after all).
- I am a good mom if I am a good wife first by prioritizing date nights and making my husband feel loved, cherished and served.
Do I love the praise of men more than the praise of God (Galatians 1:10)? Do I desire others to be in awe of my mothering skills or in awe of my God? Oh, that one day, years from now, my 3 sons will not rise up to say, “You’re such a good mom!”, but rather to say, “You show us what it means to be in Awe of our Good Father.” No one is good except God alone (Mark 10:18).
“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like white washed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.” (Matthew 23:27-28). To obey is better than sacrifice (1 Samuel 5:22). If we do what we do to be seen by men, it amounts to nothing.
The Freeing Truth is this: I am a good mom if I depend not on my methods, performance or the approval of men, but rather walk faithfully in dependence upon my Good Father.
3 Truths to break free from the Lies (Shoulds) of Motherhood:
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God is Sovereign (not our method):
Trade placing trust in your preferred method for placing trust in the Sovereignty of God: know that He is God and we are not. In Hebrew, the word trust is batach (#H981)- to feel safe, to be careless. What would it look like to trust God this way? I’m not sure how to balance this with responsibility and wisdom (we have to wear seat belts, right? Or do we….), but I know we must put confidence in Him over our flesh (Phil 3:3). We acknowledge we are not in control. Mom’s responsibility and God’s sovereignty match up somewhere in Heaven where I cannot quite comprehend. Nevertheless, we rest in His sovereignty. We work out as He works within (Phil 2:12-13). We ask Him to become greater and as we become less (John 3:30). We recognize that salvation belongs to the Lord (Psalm 3:8). We can plant seeds and water them, but only God causes the growth (1 Corinthians 3:7). We trust not in our greatness but in the Great I am. “Some trust in chariots and horses (or parenting methods), but we will trust in the Name of the Lord our God.” (Psalm 20:7).
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Our Security (Identity) is in Christ rather than our Performance
Trade finding your security or identity in your performance (or your children’s) for finding your security in Christ- place your load in His arms. Admit your need every single day, multiple times a day. Do not be surprised if your method doesn’t work, your child doesn’t perform as expected or you fall short of other’s approval. You are secure in His arms. Christ in you is the hope of glory (Colossians 1:27). He is our righteousness (Jeremiah 23:6). We have crossed over from death to life (John 5:24). We are His children (Ephesians 5:1) and we do not have to justify ourselves to others.
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His Approval trumps Others’ Approval
Exchange seeking approval from men for seeking approval from God. We can follow Jesus for the so that’s…so that we have well behaved kids, so that we have good friends, so that we have a good marriage or so that others will think highly of us. In doing so, we treat God as the motorboat to our bread instead of the Bread himself (John Piper). We baptize worldly desires with Christian language. There is a fine line between obsessing about your appearance and being disciplined. Oh, how we love the praise of men. He is the Gift, not what He can give us. Seek His face (Psalm 17:15) and seek His Kingdom (Matthew 6:33). Remember your call to make disciples, and trust Him with the results, asking him to give you a Spirit of wisdom (James 1:5) along the way. What does it take to please Him: to have faith (Hebrews 11:6). We are not called to be a good mom, we are called to depend faithfully on our Good Father. We are called to trust Him.
Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
Just from sin and self to cease
Just from Jesus simply taking,
Life and rest and joy and peace.
“Cars are meant to be pushed not thrown,” I explained to my sons this morning as we were getting ready for church and I heard cars come crashing down off our upstairs balcony. As a boy-mom I am constantly reminding my sons of what they can throw- namely balls, all other things are off limits. Things are designed with a purpose in mind, and so are we. We are not meant to labor as if we are god. The load is too much to bare. Let God be God. When we attempt to fulfill a purpose we were not designed for we will break, possibly hurting ourselves or others.
Ask people what makes a good mom and most will say love. Love is a confusing and overused word in our language. It can mean all sorts of things. Loving doesn’t equal letting. Loving requires sacrifice. You can find love all through-out the Scriptures. “Above all else put on love” (Col 3), “the greatest of these is love” (1 Corinthians 13), “By this they will know you are my disciples, that you love one another” (John 13:35) to name a few.
The truth is God is love. “No one has seen God; if we love one another God abides in us and his love is perfected in us.” (1 John 4:12). What an amazing and beautiful privilege He has given us as mothers, to love our babies with the love He provides and in doing so give them a glimpse of their perfect heavenly Father through our imperfect lives. In our love to them, they get to see and began to know a God that cannot be seen and touched by human hands, but one that chose to make Himself know-able through His Word and one who loves them unconditionally through the person and work of Jesus.
We shirk off self-reliance, self-deception, self-salvation and replace self with submission to His Spirit. Humbly, we admit we cannot do it all. Let’s be real, most of the time we feel like we have no idea what we are doing. Avoiding either extreme of legalism or licentiousness, we walk the path of life, loving our children with the love He supplies, freely giving as we have been freely given (Matthew 10:8).
So “good” Mama, cast off the shoulds, lay down your deadly doing and embrace what He has done.
“And this is his commandment, that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another, just as he has commanded us.“ (1 John 3:23). So “good” Mama, cast off the shoulds, lay down your deadly doing and embrace what He has done. Lay aside your self-imposed motherhood law and take Him at His Word: simply believe and love.
