The Ultimate Guide to Potty Training: A Failure turned Success and Persevering when things don’t go your way

I have to be honest. From the time I found out I was going to be a Mom, there were a few areas that scared me, but the one that topped the list of “things that scare me about motherhood” was Potty Training.

 

Thus, with our first I put it off nearly as long as possible and kept thinking, “Oh, I’ll just deal with that later.” and then later came. In my true research nature, I read and read reviews on different 3 Day Method Books (why are there so many?!)

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I came across a few different ideas:

• The 3 Day Method: By far, this one is the one most of my friends talked about, and I had only heard success stories (so this was the one we should do, right?). In a nutshell (I’ll save you the cost of the book), the idea is stay at home for 3 days and pay undivided attention to your child. Give them lots of salty snacks (to encourage them to drink) and give them several special drink options (water, juice, milk, etc), maybe include a special cup or special straw. The hope is they will have many chances for success. It works better if they are naked (at least for the first day or two). You can simply tell them to tell you when they have to go, you can ask them if they have to go, or you can set a timer (they even have “Potty Time Potty Watch“). You lavish praise when they have a success (you may bribe with stickers, candy, you name it). When they have an accident, you do not make a big deal: you simply say, “Where does the poo poo (or pee pee) go?” and calmly remind them it goes in the potty without making your child feel bad or shaming him. The hope is like magic, your kid will get it by day 3. I read a couple different opinions on what to do for bed and nap. Some say to do it all at once, as in put them in underwear even for nap and bedtime. Some say they are separate skills and keep them in a diaper for nap and bed time (we did the latter- I do not want to have to change the sheets twice a day every day for a while).

• Some version of slow and steady or body awareness- My sister did this approach with great success. The idea here is to have a small potty out (or get a smaller seat for your big potty) and talk about the potty with your child from a young age (18 months or even younger). Have the child sit on the potty daily, before bath is a great time, but do not FORCE the child. It is all about creating interest and teaching your child about his or her body functions. You can talk about how Mommy and Daddy put pee pee and poo poo in the potty, and they can too. The hope is that eventually, your child will initiate full blown potty training on his or her own. She may just no longer want to pee in her diaper or begin to tell you when she need to go. This is a slow and steady process, but it can have great success. I would have done this if I just had one child of potty training age. With C and D only 17 months a part and D never sleeping well until close to a year old, I just didn’t have the mental energy or patience to open the “potty training door”.
• Introducing with a doll or favorite kids character that your child attempts to train. You teach the doll to go poo poo and pee pee in its little potty (you can buy some that actually will “go”- you can use Raisenets, juice, etc to pretend). After your child teaches her doll to go potty all day one day, it’s her turn the next. You can even throw some big version of a “potty party” with a celebration and throwing all the diapers away. This may include watching episodes of your child’s favorite show (Sesame street has one on youtube, and there is a great Daniel Tiger song for you Daniel Tiger fans out there). They also make so many books (Daniel Goes to the Potty (Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood)  and Sesame Street: Let’s Go Potty, Elmo! )on the concept.

What age should I start?

Most of my friends began training their kids around age 2, sometimes a little before 2, sometimes closer to 3. With our first son, I planned on training him around 2.5 (I have since heard 2 years 9 months is a great age for boys, but really I think it depends on the kid). His baby brother was 1 then and finally sleeping through the night and napping regularly during the day, so I thought I would be able to focus more on big brother. But, I have learned to hold plans with lose hands. We put our house on the market the summer I was planning on training him, and sadly it took about 5 months before we moved into our current house. That summer was full of about 40 showings, constantly having to keep our house clean with a 1 and 2.5 year old (and did I mention I was pregnant and feeling sick all of the time?!) So I decided we would wait. Then Hurricane Harvey happened in late August and we were stuck at home for days. One of my friends decided to potty train her son then, and I thought it was brilliant. We jumped on the bandwagon. Once the roads were clear, I sent my hubby out to buy underwear, a small potty, snacks, drinks, etc. I had read an e-version of one of the 3 day potty training books months before, and I was ready. We were going to do this!

The 3 Day Method Failure

Long story short, it was HORRIBLE. I mean absolutely horrible. C screamed when we told him to sit on the potty. He wanted nothing to do with it, his 15 month brother however immediately set down on it and said, “I pee”. I had read to set a timer and make them sit on the potty every 30 min (or 60 or whatever you choose here), and it was miserable. He would scream, “No!” So we would try using choice language, “Do you want Mommy to read to you are Daddy to read to you while you are on the potty?” To which he replied, “No! No! No!” We tried all of the things. We forced him to sit on the potty. We read books to him while on the potty.  We tried not forcing him to sit on the toilet, but just saying, “you tell us when you need to go.” In short, he had many accidents and some successes. He did poop one time in the potty which was awesome, but it was just not a great experience overall. We did it for 3 days at home, naked (mostly). Part of the concept of the 3 day method is to get your child to drink lot of fluids so there is a greater chance of success. He didn’t even want to drink juice! He refused. We tried letting him pee standing up (our neighbor bought us an awesome little whale urinal), pee outside on the tree, we did sticker charts, cars, m and ms, songs, cheers, aiming at cheerios. It was just bad. We stuck it out for about a month and a half. At that point we were packing and moving in with my parents for a bit, and so I decided to just give up. We had moved to wearing pull ups because I was just so tired of cleaning up all the accidents, and eventually just went back to diapers. About 5 weeks after we moved, I gave birth to our newest son, and then it was Christmas, and then we dealt with adjustment to a newborn. And as time went on, I decided it would be best to just wait until my mom could come help me give him undivided attention. During this time, my second son turned 2, and I thought I might as well just try to train him at the same time, as he naturally wants to do everything his brother does and he also showed some interest. My hope was a little friendly brother competition would help.

If there is one thing God continues to teach me in motherhood, it is that I am not in control. I can do all the things I’ve read about or heard from others, and sometimes they just will not work for me and my kid, and that is okay.

• I hoped to get pregnant on my time table, and I would have rather not been one of the 1 in 4 who have are a member of the club that no one wants to be a part of, the miscarriage club.
• I longed for easy labors (who doesn’t?!). I did everything I could think of to encourage those babies to come on their own, but ended with high risk pregnancies, long labors and being induced (and 2 of the 3 ended with the dreaded c section and one was an attempted vbac)
• I wanted to sleep train (I had read Babywise, which I now definitely don’t recommend) and ended up with crazy hard colic-y , dairy intolerant babes (The Ultimate Survival Guide to Going Dairy (and *mostly* Soy Free) for Breastfeeding MSPI Mamas), and I was terrified of taking my first son’s pacifier away once he finally did sleep well, so he had it until he was 2.5 (you can read how we got rid of it here).
• I just knew a certain swaddle blanket , baby carrier  or any “new” baby product for that matter would be the KEY to my child’s ability to be soothed or sleep well, but they all came up short.
• I thought I would be able to power through any breastfeeding challenge that came my way, and I ended up having to stop due to supply issues at 5 months with our first even though I tried everything.
• I thought I could try some simple suggestions, and my kids would stop throwing crazy tantrums, yet I am still learning how to shepherd their hearts in this area (The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide and Other Bonus Parenting Tips).

So I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when potty training didn’t go exactly according to my plan. It’s another, “I thought if I read this book or used this method I heard about from friends and did it this way, it would go the way I want” that didn’t turn out as I had hoped. In His grace, God has allowed me to experience “failure” according to the parenting books again and again. He has broken my pride, and shown me a in a new way how very much I need Him daily for strength and wisdom. He has lovingly reminded me that my HOPE is to be found in Him alone (Psalm 62:5), not in things going my way, or in the way my children respond to my methods and plans. They are individuals after all, and I can guide them, but I cannot control them. He has taught me to seek Him for wisdom, to trust Him to give me insight regarding the kids He has given to us and in general, have more confidence in our parenting abilities. One of my best friends always reminds me that God chose me to be my boys Mama, and he chose you to parent your children. Trust Him. He is redefining my measure of success. True success is being obedient to Him, faithful to what He has called you to any given day. It is loving my husband and my children (even when they are not sleeping well, being picky eaters, struggling to potty train or in the midst of throwing crazy tantrums). He is teaching me again the source of true contentment, and that I just cannot do all.the.things.

If the thing that worked for every person you know in real life (and social media too) was not helpful for you and your family, give yourself grace. Your child will not be in the “hard” stage that he or she is in forever. My sons won’t be going to college in diapers. Yours won’t be in kindergarten still going through the 4 month sleep regression.

When at first you don’t succeed, try, try, try again

I normally don’t advocate quitting things, but for me, I am so glad I quit potty training my first for a while and just came back to it later. He has had 0 accidents the second time around (in the first 3 days). Granted, he will be 4 in 3 months. Another pro is since he’s so tall, he can just pee standing up in the big potty all by himself. He can pull his pants down, pull them back up, flush the toilet and wash his hands all ON HIS OWN. I also am so thankful that when I was moving and nursing our newest one so often in those early days I didn’t have to drop everything to bring him to the potty. He did not really poop at all the first few days. A friend suggested giving a daily probiotic to keep them regular, and that has helped. He told me he was scared it would hurt, but he finally had a success on day 4 or so, and we promised him he could pick out a special poo poo present. Since then, he has gone a few times, and really has had only maybe 3 accidents in two weeks (both of them were when he was not at home).

Our 2 year old (27 months) had maybe a dozen accidents the first day (we would never make a big deal, but always just say where does pee pee go?), but had a few successes at the end of the first day where he told us he had to go and did! By day 3, he really had the peeing part down for the most part. He, however, is really struggling with number two (but I hear this is quite common). We are just going to keep encouraging him to go on the potty, but a week in and he is doing better than I expected him to, but he is not fully potty trained (as in no accidents, pee and poop). I recently bought some sea animals (he loves sea animals) to bribe him to poop in the potty and not in his underwear. I’ll keep y’all posted.

 

My tips for success:

Consider doing a combo slow and steady + 3 days. For us, when we stopped potty training 9 months ago, we still kept the little potty in sight. And for the last several months, my husband has encouraged the boys to use the bathroom before bath time. We also have been building up to the potty training boot camp. We have told my oldest he cannot go to school if he is not potty trained (his preschool requires the 3 year old class to be potty trained). He knew Mimi was going to come over, and he was going to learn to go potty so he could go to school. There was a time when mentioning potty training made him argumentative, so we just stopped saying anything. Then, as the summer got closer, we talked about Mimi coming for a few weeks before the big “day”.

Block off your calendar and go NO WHERE for at least 3 days. This is the hardest thing for me in a house full of energetic boys. When we stay home too long, things get a little crazy. But, during our first trial (our “failure”) we did NOT stay at home for the 3 days. We did mostly, but took a walk to the park the second day, and went to deliver a meal to a shelter the next day. Both of those times, C had accidents, and I think he would have done better if we would have stayed home, but we were going stir crazy from being stuck in our home due to flooding for 5 days.

Get reinforcements. If you have one child, this is not necessary. But with more than one, there is no way I could have easily paid undivided attention to both of them and the baby (especially during the times I had to put him down for his naps). I am so, so thankful for my sweet, servant-hearted Mama who came over for 3 days straight and helped motivate the boys to go potty.

Be prepared! Gather all materials and supplies. 

Things to occupy you at home: new toys, coloring books, stickers, building toys, etc.

Rewards (we wrapped presents (for us this was dinosaur figures and trains)/Reward Chart/Stickers

M and ms (we used the baking super tiny ones) or other small reward

Underwear (lots and lots, in characters your kids love helps, too)

 

 

 

 

Cleaning supplies (lots of paper towels, spray)

Pick up your rugs or get a tarp:

Juice, Milk, fun straws- something that will make them want to drink often:

New or different salty snacks:

Daniel Tiger Episode (Look up the Prince Wednesday goes potty episode on Amazon prime if you have it)

Elmo Episode:

Big white shirts (if going the naked route, which I highly, highly recommend. There is something about having underwear on that makes it feel more like a diaper to them. My boys were much less likely to have accidents when there was nothing to contain their pee). I thought it was more comfortable for them to be covered some when they didn’t have any undies on. We moved to undies on day 3.

Small potty (Summer Infant My Size Potty – Training Toilet for Toddler Boys & Girls – with Flushing Sounds and Wipe Dispenser or potty seat (Sesame Street Soft Potty Seat)for the big potty (pros and cons to both). I honestly am really thankful we have both things

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Step Stool (Playtex 2 Transitions Step Stool, Grey

Hand washing Soap for the kids.

 

Potty watch

Books (there are so many out there)

Expect your child to have accidents. Expect them to not be fully potty trained in just 3 days. (Maybe some kids are, but for mine that is just not the case). Expect your day to day routine to be messed up for weeks with constant interruptions of, “I have to go potty Mommy”, and accidents just before you are loading everyone into the car. Always, always, always, have an extra pair of underwear (or two) and a change of clothes (including socks if you have sensitive kids like mine who hate for their socks to have holes or be wet, or just not quite lined up right on their feet). Expect it to take much longer to get loaded in the car in the beginning (because someone is asking to use the potty). Expect outings to be a little bit more tricky because you have to be ready to drop everything and rush to the bathroom at a moment’s notice.

5 Helpful Tips for Public Restroom Trips:

1. Sometimes kids are scared of the automatic flushing toilets. Bring post its and cover the sensor so that it won’t go off.
2.  A friend shared a great idea about bringing a small potty in the car and lining it with a diaper for easy clean up.
3. Another friend told me she puts her small seat cover in a bag and brings it with her places at first and sits it on the big potty.
4. Turn boys backward on big potty so it is more comfortable and their pee will most likely go in the potty.
5. I learned the hard way if you have a baby and toddler, always bring a baby carrier so you can have your hands free while you help your toddler pee on the potty, or bring the stroller/car seat (but those don’t always fit in the restroom).

 

To conclude, like in most areas of life (college, career, marriage, motherhood) expectations can affect our joy, ability to persevere, general disposition. For me, I really thought that EVERYONE I knew just had awesome success with this 3 day method. It turns out, that is just not the case. I felt like a failure when I gave up with our first son, but really, in the end I am thankful that we just stopped and didn’t fight him for 9 months on the issue. What works for one child sometimes doesn’t at all for another. My second son (unlike my first) did great at just over 2- he didn’t argue about sitting on the potty, he happily drank his juice, he didn’t say “No!No! No!” every time we asked him to pee, he just figured out when to tell us he had to go. Maybe it’s because he has a different personality, or maybe it’s because he was slowly introduced to the potty for months with it sitting out and my husband encouraging our boys to go on the potty before bath time each night (D would try each night, but never actually did until we did the 3 day boot camp). All that to say, potty training is hard. Do not be discouraged if you try and it doesn’t work out. You can always stop and start again later. Take it from me, it was seriously a million times easier the second time around.

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