The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide: Part 6, U is for Understanding the end goal is their hearts |

Tantrums driving you crazy? You’ve come to the right place! Check out all of these posts that are packed FULL of practical tips and how-to:

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U: Understand end goal is their hearts-

Like Sara Wallace says, “Discipline isn’t something we do to our kids, it’s something we do for them”.

These tips above are great for raising more cooperative children, but are not so great for getting to the HEART behind the tantrums or the not wanting to share, etc. As a follower of Christ, I have to be so careful to pray and ask God about how to reach and shape my sons’ hearts. It cannot just be about outward behavior modification and tips and tricks. These things do help, and have their place. But, I do not want my boys to believe a false Gospel full of outward obedience (doing “good”) but not inward surrender that leads to true heart change (becoming “good” only in Christ, 2 Cor. 5:21).

But how do practically communicate this to a toddler? I also still need to require obedience even though I know they cannot fully obey. Sometimes I will get down on my boys level and speak to them softly. I will talk about how Jesus wants us to share, or to love, or to think of others first, but how often want to choose our own way. I often ask them, “Is it possibly for you to obey fully?” The answer is, “No!” Because none of us can. We all need Jesus. Part of this also includes me saying I’m sorry to my boys when I mess up, and me confessing to them that Mommy needs Jesus, too. Sometimes I watch my boys handle their own issues, and I notice patterns of selfishness in their hearts (for example, one of my boys is pretty good at manipulating his brother by “trading” to get what ever toy he desires). If I am careful, I am tempted to just let things go unaddressed when no one is bothering me, but I have to be diligent to have hard conversations at the right time. When one brother doesn’t want to share, and the word, “MINE!!!” screams from his mouth, I can enter into judge mode- who had this toy first and how can I be fair, or I can use this opportunity to talk to them about character attributes and their hearts- I can ask questions like, “Which brother wants to show love to his brother by letting him go first? How can you make peace?” I can lead my boys to pray, to ask for forgiveness and give forgiveness and reconcile. You can find more ideas like these from Sara Wallace at The Gospel Centered Mom. She is a mother to 5 young boys, and I have so enjoyed learning from her. For more on perspective and the heart behind why we discipline, check out Sara Wallace’s Book- For the Love of Discipline. You can read my full review here.

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Another great idea I heard from a very wise woman (Mrs. Bolin) at my church is to do a “character chest”. I have yet to create ours, but have slowly been collecting items. The idea is that you have different objects in your chest (you can get a treasure chest or box from Hobby Lobby or Michaels). Each day or once a week, or whenever you have the time, you pull an object from the chest. Each object tells a story that represents a character attribute (because again, kids learn so WELL through story-telling). One of the object lessons she shared with us was a small broom. When she pulled the broom out of her character chest, she spoke about excellence through the lens of the story of Booker T. Washington. He worked sweeping floors for years, and the woman he worked for was incredibly hard to please. If she found one corner he had missed, one window ledge full of dust or one spider web in a corner, she would make him sweep her entire 3 story house again. Years passed, and when he heard of a school accepting people of color- he made the far journey to get to the school to apply. When he got there, he was a mess from the long journey, and he was told to sit down. He watched well-dressed applicant after applicant come in and turn in their applications. Upon his arrival, the lady at the front desk had looked at him in disgust. At the end of the day, she gave him a broom and said, “sweep.” His first thoughts, were, “A broom. All I have ever done is sweep the floor. I don’t want to sweep the floor, but then his thoughts quickly changed to if I know one thing, I know how to sleep a floor well. I am going to sweet this floor better than it has ever been swept before.” And that he did. The lady had left the room, and when she came back was so surprised to find him already seated. But upon inspection, she couldn’t find one place where he had missed. He had done such a thorough job, and she said, “If you can sweep a room, you can go to school.” Years later, when he was asked what was the most important event in his life, he traced it back to that moment and would say, “Without a doubt, the day I swept that room.” He who is faithful with little, is faithful with much. So take encouragement Mama, be faithful in the little things.

Somedays, I am simply exhausted. I choose to turn on the tv so the squabbling will be down to a minimum while I get one more task checked off the to-do list (and that is okay). But, I also pray that I don’t miss these opportunities while my boys are little and in these 4 walls of my home, while the influence of the world isn’t as strong, that I can take advantage of this time, that I can make an effort to connect with them and reach their hearts. I want them to know no matter what they have a Mama who LOVES them, even when they disobey because we have a Father in Heaven who sent His Son while we were sinners (Romans 5:8). And He disciplines us for our good, because He loves us.

For your free cheat sheet with the Tantrums acronym (handy for hanging on the fridge), subscribe here

Check out Part 7, here: The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide: Part 7, M is for Manage Expectations, Make Use of Gospel Centered Language and Music