The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, part 4 T is for Timers, Transition and Try Choice Language

Cut your toddler’s tantrums in half by implementing these two incredibly simple pieces of advice. Learn how to stop tantrums before they start!

For those of you who have been following along, welcome back! After today, we will have made it half way! If you haven’t been following along, welcome to Mama Needs a Manual. This is the 4th part in an 8 part series on Tantrums.

You can find Parts 1-3 here:

The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide- Part 1: T is for Training

The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 2: A is for Acknowledge Feelings

The Ultimate Tantrum Survival Guide, Part 3: N is for Natural Consequences

For your free cheat sheet with the Tantrums acronym (handy for hanging on the fridge), subscribe here

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T: Timer/Transitions/Try Choice Language

This one trick cut our tantrums down by at least 75%! When C was 17 months and we had just had D, things were a little overwhelming at our house to say the least. A friend shared this timer trick with us, and I thought, “I do not think that C will understand that AT ALL.” To my amazement, we tried it and it helped so much, we still use it to this day.

this Timer visually shows your kiddos how much time they have left until a transition

another option for a visual time tracker

One of the jobs we have as Mamas when it comes to tantrums is to try to get to the root of the tantrum. What is causing this emotional outburst? Often times, my little guys have a hard time with transitions, especially when we have to stop an activity they love (like playing outside, playing at a friend’s house, being at the library or park, etc). To abet in this situation, I have made it a habit of giving a 2 (or 5) minute warning. I simply say, “We are going to go home in 5 minutes”, or “It will be bath time in 2 minutes.” and set the timer on my phone (or Alexa). The first time I ever did this, the timer went off and C followed me to the bath tub WITHOUT TEARS. No tantrum. I was shocked and so thankful.

when they are having so much fun somewhere and are upset to leave, giving a warning and setting a timer can work like magic

Now that we’ve been doing this sometime, it doesn’t always work as well. They often ask for one more minute and many times we oblige (but just once). We let them feel like they “won” but we planned for them to say one more minute. Sometimes it helps to share control in a sense (at least that’s what all the “experts” say). But, I have definitely seen this to be true in our home. There is a lot more peace when I plan ahead, give warnings and tell my kiddos what to expect. If you would love a visual, there are some fancy timers( Time Timer or Visual Timer & Clock) you can buy on Amazon that show the passage of time visually (or you could always use an old fashioned sand timer)

you can use alexa, your phone or you could simply use a sand timer for visual effect, or if you are lacking in supplies, just count to 10

Pro Mom tip: If I don’t have a timer near by, I simply say I am going to count to 10 and then it’s going to be your brother’s turn with the toy.

Another way you can help your child transition from one task to another without breaking down and throwing a fit is to have routine cards. You can find many free versions of these online, or you can even take a picture of your child doing each part of his or her routine (get dressed, brush teeth, eat breakfast, put on shoes, get in car, bath time, read book, say prayers, song, kiss goodnight, sleep). Sometimes simply saying, “what comes next in your routine” takes the battle for control away. It isn’t Mommy says this and child doesn’t want to do it, it is simply stating a fact: the next step is _______, which seems to leave less room for an argument.

“Which car can your brother play with? The green car or the yellow car?”

Try Choice Language:
This is HUGE! And probably my second biggest tip to the timer tip above. So many people are huge proponents of Love and Logic. When C first experienced all of these tantrums, I had another hard newborn who was not sleeping ever (like literally ever, he wouldn’t sleep longer than 30 minute stretches for at least the first 7 weeks of his life), and I did not have time to read. But I checked out Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting From Birth to Six Years on CD from our local library. I only listened to maybe the first disc, but the concept helped me so much. In a nutshell, to get your kids to cooperate, and also help teach them some about taking ownership of their choices, you give your kiddos choices all day long. It takes some practice to rethink how you talk, but after a while it becomes rote.

These choices should be two choices you are okay with. For example,

“Do you want Mommy to carry you to the bath or do you want to race?”
“Would you like to leave now or play for 5 more minutes?”
“Would you like to wear the yellow shirt or the red shirt?”
“Do you want to wear your back pack or carry it to the car?”

Now, of course there are moments when my son screams, “NO!”, or chooses the third choice, the one I didn’t mention. If they don’t choose, you simply choose for them and tell them that since they did not choose, Mommy chose for them, and you keep moving, carrying on to the next task.

Another trick I’ve learned is to ask “Which car can your brother play with: the gray one or the red one?” Instead of saying, “Can you share with your brother?” which often elicits the response, “NO! I want to keep these things. They are mine.” You have offered them a choice. The expectation is that he WILL share. He just gets to choose which car to share. When I was teaching, I quickly learned if I said, “Do you have any questions?” I would be met with a classroom of silent seniors, but if I said, “What questions can I answer?” almost always, some one would raise her hand because the expectation was that there were questions out there, and I was ready and willing to ask them. It was more of an invitation.

Once I learned to rethink this way, it truly cut down our tantrums maybe in half.

Sometimes I do say something like, “You can choose to obey Mommy, or you can choose to go to time out in your room. Which do you choose?” And then I praise my son when he chooses to obey. Now, true Love and Logic would say that both choices should be desirable to you and your child. But, in my experience, when I offer this choice occasionally, it can be very effective.

As our kids have gotten older, these two tried and true methods aren’t always as effective as they first were, but we still use them every single day. You won’t know until you try, and I definitely think these things are worth trying. It can help so much to share some of the “control” and not feel like you are battling all day with your little ones.