After 4 boys, Baby Number 5 is a …
Surprise Baby #5
After having 4 boys in about 5.5 years, we thought we were done. I was pregnant and or breastfeeding for almost 8 years straight. I have a heart condition, have had 3 c sections, the last two boys resulted in me having post-partum hypertension and our lives are very busy and full having moved on to the “big kid” phase (not to mention I just celebrated a big milestone birthday). But, we love children and believe God when He says they are a blessing, and we welcome this surprise little soul after 5 years.
All Boys?!
When you’re a mom or dad of all of the same gender and you’re out and about, many times well-meaning people or people just trying to make conversation say something like “when are you trying for a girl?” …”are you going to have one more?”… “all BOYS?!”….”no girls?”….etc. Needless to say, when we found out we were expecting this fifth one there were so many prayers for health and wellbeing of the baby and me (and we are still praying those things as we are only about halfway through this pregnancy). But, there was also a tiny little spark of hope reignited that I put to death five years ago…maybe this baby G (we are the alphabet and we are on “G” in the line up) stood for girl…maybe in God’s grace He’s giving us this daughter Grace. I tried to not even let my mind go there because I just wanted to be grateful. All of this was not our plan, and we are trusting God in it all. He wanted this life, and He is the author of it. But, I know many, many watching and wondering and rejoicing with us have hoped for the same thing…a little princess after all these boys.
But, that’s not what God decided. I’m less sad than I was with number 4- maybe because I’ve seen that disappointment turn into such joy- maybe because none of this was our plan, and I’m trying to let go of any facade of control and embrace the story God has written- but there is still some sadness in just thinking about what overwhelming shock and joy there would have been if the results would have been pink instead of blue. It’s no secret I’ve always longed for a daughter. But, He knows what is best and this is what he has written: 5 brothers for the Hughes Crew. Lord, please give us all the patience and wisdom. My thoughts after Ford was born are shared below and I’m constantly reminding myself of them these days. We already all love this new little brother G so much.
If you want to have a peek into days with 4 boys these days, here is a glimpse:
However, I decided to share some very raw thoughts I wrote many years ago (5.5) just after we found out Ford, who we thought was our grand finale, was a fourth brother. Reading them now is somewhat strange because although I remember the sting of disappointment then, I cannot imagine not knowing him. Ford is an absolute joy and delight, and having four boys- though wild and crazy, has been so fun these last five years (see the reel above). I’ve loved the evenness of it all, and I love that they love many of the same things and they all have one another to play with. Backyard baseball is a constant at our house along with pretty much any other sport or made-up game with a ball you can imagine. Brotherhood is indeed something precious to behold. But nevertheless- I felt led to share these words as we navigate another boy announcement- to help any mama who struggles with some of this disappointment know she is indeed, not alone. God gives us the space to hold both joy and grief together. I remember when I first experienced this, I just so deeply wanted to know I wasn’t the only one who felt this way.
The Day my Hope for a Daughter Died 5 years ago
Navigating the complicated feelings of being an all-boy mom and the slight gender disappointment of not being able to experience being a mom of both.
This was written in early 2020, just after we found out our 4th son was a boy and just before the world shut down:
It was the Monday after Christmas, and when I woke up I told my husband I had never been more nervous in my entire life. He thought I was joking, and I said I was 100% serious. I tried to explain that this was going to be possibly one of the happiest days of my life- finding out I was going to get to be a mother to my long-hoped for daughter, a day full of shopping on the other side of the aisle, a day full of plans and hope or a day where I’d have to muddle through some major feelings with the finality of something I had always wanted not coming to pass.
The Friday before I had missed a call from my OB’s office saying to call back Monday, and I knew it was regarding our genetic testing done a couple weeks prior. I had hoped we would be able to surprise the boys on Christmas morning with an “it’s a girl” ornament- my greatest hope, but we didn’t get the results in time. So instead I ordered gender balloons (thank you amazon prime), my husband drove to the OB’s office Monday morning to pick up the sealed letter with the gender enclosed, and I took the confetti balloons and letter to the nearest grocery store. I called my parents to see if they could come over before nap time so we could do the balloon pop for all the boys to see. I showed them some gender reveal videos on youtube, and they were so excited to see. Caleb (our 5 year old) had been praying for a baby girl – in fact it was the first thing he said when he saw the ultrasound photo- “Mom, is that the baby girl in your tummy?” I told him we didn’t know for sure and he said, full of faith- “but that’s what I prayed for.” Me too, buddy…me, too.
The moment of truth came- I was seriously so nervous holding the nail in my hand. My mom started the countdown at 10 and I told her to change it to 3, lol. The balloon popped and with it my expectations, out came the blue confetti, and I tried to hold it together in front of the boys and then walked into the house and cried. I only gave myself a couple minutes. I immediately started preaching to myself, “be thankful! God is in control. You have a healthy baby boy. You have a BABY. So many people long for these things. You have a husband. Look around. You have no right to not be thankful. You have breath in your lungs and this baby is low risk for the scary things” My mom came in and we started listing off all the things that were better about having a fourth son- we have everything, now no one would be a middle, which is huge honestly- they each have a pair and a buddy. I would have daughters-in-laws one day (but many times those relationships are complicated), maybe granddaughters- I tried to force myself to smile- to begin thinking of F boy names (we are ABCDE). But I couldn’t help but think if there would have been pink my mom and I would have hopped in the car and drove to target and started buying pink things- it was hard not to imagine what could have been, what I had hoped with every ounce of me would be- But the next morning when I woke up it was worse. As I lay in bed, I tried to imagine the day before was a dream- that was the last morning where my hope was still alive. My husband didn’t quite understand why I was so sad, but my precious oldest son who has had a gift of empathy from birth spent his nap time making me lego flowers, which sit on my desk as a constant reminder to choose joy, to walk in gratitude.
Guilt and Grief
But on that Tuesday, I gave myself time to grieve. I reached out to a few other moms of multiple boys, I read some things, I prayed a lot. I wanted to process my emotions. I felt guilty because the most important news- the risk of some scary genetic things came back low. I felt guilty because we were going to post about the baby and we would’ve if it were a girl as soon as we found out, but I couldn’t let myself let the world know until I was happier about things. I felt sad and felt so bad for feeling sad-
My desire for a daughter is perhaps my oldest dream. I can recall playing “mama” to my baby dolls (who were all girls) when I was only 3 years old. I played “house” for way too long and made my closet by baby’s room- she even wore real diapers, my baby sister’s newborn clothes and had a few monogrammed items. Her name was Katelynn Marie. This desire- to mother to a daughter was even older than my one to be married. And it wasn’t just so I could enjoy things like precious bows, shoes, accessories, mani and pedis, dance recitals, girly crafts, perhaps relive my volleyball days, attend mother daughter retreats, see her go to daddy daughter dances, braid her hair (I was the girl who braided everyone’s hair like an assembly line before volleyball games in middle/high school), it was deeper- a hope to have my own little disciple- it was a desire to teach her about godly woman hood. And mostly it stemmed from my relationship with my mom. My mom and I celebrated our birthdays last week and I told her I almost wrote in her social media shoutout “the reason I’m so sad I’m not having a daughter is because of my relationship with you.” We are best friends. I long for that adult mother- daughter best friendship- to be the mother of the bride one day, to see my baby birth a baby. We’ve all heard the saying, “A son is a son until he takes a wife- a daughter is a daughter all of her life” – I know it’s just a saying, but I’ve often seen it ring true.
“Trying” for a Girl
I’ll be really honest, the big reason we decided to have a fourth child (this gap is a year longer than the others) is because I wanted to try one more time for a girl. In the summer I was out running errands and saw an adult mom and daughter out shopping for dorm stuff and I told Bryan when I came home- Ill always wonder what if- I told him I would never regret having a 4th son- I will love him, but I will always wonder what if we tried one more time-After lots of prayers, he said yes. I had only really talked to him about it for a few months, but ever since I found out Ethan (our third son) was a boy and sobbed in the ultrasound room, I knew I wanted four kids. When Ethan was barely a month old my husband got me scrabble tiles of our family’s names to put on our stair wall and I immediately noticed the way the letters were arranged there was a perfect spot for FAITH going down in between David and Ethan’s names. I cannot tell you how many times I stared at that spot as I walked up and down the stairs and imagined her name over the last two years. The seed took further root when our youngest was 6 months old and my best friend sent me this article by a fairly well known blog developer (coffee and crumbs) called “The Sway”. She is an incredibly gifted writer and talks about her longing for a daughter the day before they would find out if their third baby was a girl after two boys- I had never read anyone share so openly my exact thoughts and feelings. She mentioned a book called Baby Dust (affilate link) and I immediately did the review digging on amazon. I found a facebook group and became a silent member. I clung to my Maw Maw’s last words- she died a month before our last was born and when she found out we were having three boys, she smiled and said, “I think you’ll be like me- have 3 boys and then a girl!” She went on to tell me of her shock at finding my Mom was a girl after they woke her up (they apparently knocked out the pregnant ladies back in the day?!) My great grandmother was Anne Marie,My maw Maw Rose Marie, my mom Annette Marie- me Ashley Marie and I desperately wanted to carry on the tradition.
So a whole year later- July of 2019 I bought the baby dust book and read it in one night. I ordered the LH surge strips and began tracking. I also drastically changed my diet and researched all other methods- positions, timing, ph balance, supplements. You name it, we tried it- with our first we were just so thankful to have a healthy baby afer a miscarriage and our second and third weren’t exactly planned so I didn’t get a chance to “try” the methods out there. And lots and lots of prayer- and just a tiny but very much inkling of hope that maybe just maybe God would bless our efforts and grant us the daughter I so desired with all of my heart.
A Door Closed
But God said No. A final word. The finality of a door being closed is hard to come to terms with. Anytime I see a picture of a sweet newborn baby girl in her little hat made into a bow wrapped tightly in her floral swaddle, I’m no longer able to think, ‘Maybe….one day.” For me, I now know that day will never come.
I was extremely hesitant to even speak about this- because 1) I don’t know many of you and 2) I know this may seem so petty to some. I acknowledge God has been so gracious to me and in and I am very aware many of you know much, much greater suffering- abuse, many miscarriages, infertility, children with disabilities, financial hardship, chronic health concerns, death of loved ones way too soon, the list goes on and on, and truly this doesn’t compare…
But I once heard this definition of suffering: “having something we do not want or wanting something we do not have” I know my suffering doesn’t compare, but there is still some grief in it and we can get to the heart of that. There is still an experience of felt lack- a temptation to believe God has withheld what is good from me.
During my single years I would cling to psalm 84:11- No good thing does God withhold from those who walk uprightly.
No good thing does God withhold from those who walk uprightly. Psalm 84:11
Good meaning pleasant, agreeable, Withhold meaning hold back, deny, keep, restrained
When we thirst after things- even good things: dream homes, happy marriages, vacations, successful endeavors, careers, extra money in the bank, tightly knit families, children who love Jesus, our wombs to know life, health,….We must remember the woman at the well and the Living Water who had five husbands (which some think may mean she was infertile and husbands kept leaving her)- she knew the deep longing to be loved in the ways of marriage and children. And Jesus said everyone who drinks of His water will never thirst, meaning in the Greek- painfully feel their want- again.
Jesus calls to us- come, take of the living water, eat of the bread of life and you will be filled. He alone satisfies, but only when we choose to come to Him instead of other things.
We’ve all experienced it- getting what we thought we wanted only to realize we are bottomless pits, never satisfied- always wanting more. I mentioned I was single until 28- and I mean single, never dated- never been kissed single- God gave be such a gift in my husband, but not long after we were married my mind moved on to the next thing- houses and babies-
We can do this in any number of small and big ways- buying new earrings or shoes, home décor, starting something new, planning a party, we look to the next thing- we hold it up asking is this where I find Life? We look forward to full calendars and the ability to purchase more things we think we need or want, or at least I know I do.
C.S. Lewis is famous for saying, “we are content to make mudpies in the slums because we have no idea what is meant by an offer of a holiday at sea- we are far too easily pleased.”
So back to my favorite psalm 84- the whole Psalm is about being in God’s presence. He is the One who meets our greatest desire. He cannot withhold good because He gives us the greatest good- himself in the person and work of Jesus.
These words are still a little raw, super vulnerable and the fear to talk about such things is that I would somehow come off as a mom who doesn’t love and isn’t so incredibly thankful for the sons God has given, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. I love each of my boys so incredibly much and cannot imagine life without any of them. I would never wish for a replacement daughter or a girl instead of my boys- it’s a different desire- one that I would know a daughter who never existed.
Where does my Hope rest?
So perhaps God will provide granddaughters one day and daughters in law, but those things are not promised either. I can hope for them, but my hope cannot be IN them. My hope can never be in a change of circumstance because things might not ever turn out how I desire them to be. But me getting what I think I want isn’t the point of this life- we tell that to our kids- life doesn’t revolve around you, you can’t have everything you want- but oh how we still fight tooth and nail and try to obtain it. My hope must always and only be Christ. Psalm 62:5. There is no other secure place to rest. Romans 5:5
The deeper path to joy is knowing Him and anything that brings us closer to Him is a blessing for me every time I see those precious daddy daughter dance pictures this time of year, my heart will ache. I will imagine what it would’ve been like to see my husband with a daughter, but I can remember in that seeming want for more, I can go to Jesus- I can be reminded this isn’t my true home.
So this desire, I thought I so deserved, had to die, and brought disappointment, some discontent, a different kind of death- death to my will so I can embrace His (like the seed of this flower that must have died in darkness of the ground to grow again), delight in Him – dream again- surrender again. My life is not my own. God was gracious to remind me of a couple things the Tuesday after we found out- this will be our fourth son and I wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for two fourths. My mom is the 4th child and my dad is the 10th child, but 4th son in his family. And as I went through Genesis last month in my bible reading plan, I was reminded that Judah is Leah’s fourth son- and from him is the line of Christ. So this baby boy- I know he will be his whole own person someday. He may be the 4th boy to us, but prayerfully one day he will be used mightily in God’s kingdom- he will be a husband, a father- have his own legacy.
Anytime my insecurity about being a boy mom (my boys are wild at times and I never know for sure how wild is too wild) shows its head, or I wonder what it would be like to have a girl to balance things out, or the comparison that comes when I see pictures of friends on social media- especially those who had a daughter after multiple sons and just the over the moon excitement and joy displayed in mommy and me things, princesses, and all things pink- I can do one of two things: dwell about what could have been, or praise Him for what IS.
Every woman is different. Some want a house full of boys and only got daughters. Some desired to have many children, and yet only had one or their womb never knew life at all. Some come to a point where they say, “I am happy with my lot”, but I know there will always be a part of me that wishes for a daughter. And every time that little thought comes up, I can submit it to Christ, I can remember I was not made for this world. I can remember where true joy and life is found. I can choose to look at the flower or dwell in the dirt.
Trusting in His plan over our own
When God says no to one of our good desires (plural), He’s reminding us He is our greatest desire (singular).
I think sometimes when life doesn’t go as planned we encourage people with something along the lines, “one day you’ll look back and understand” or just have a little more faith…and that’s just not always true. Maybe, sometimes- yes- like Joseph in Genesis 50 and Mary and Martha when they got to see Lazarus rise up from the dead after Jesus denied their request to come heal him (John 11). But it doesn’t always work that way. Some of us will always wonder…there may always be a tiny hint of discontentment- or a temptation to focus on our perceived lack. Some of my dearest friends are in their mid-late 30s and still single- and I’m sure they will always desire to be married even if God doesn’t provide that for them. Some like Paul must live with a thorn they’d rather not have- 1 Cor. 12.
God never promised us “everything will be okay” or “we will get what we want”. But he promises us many other things starting with the greatest Him- His very presence. He will be with us no matter what. So, in these small and grand disappointments- in the moments where the balloon of hope is popped- we can see them as a gift to point us to Jesus- to see that He is all we need. He made a way for us to be made whole. He made a way for us to be with God forever despite our sin- and this is our hope. Jesus is Greater. Make my heart believe.
I can spend my life looking at the dirt, or I can ask the Lord to show me the beauty- the flowers that grow in unexpected places- just like the lego flower that sits on my shelf above my computer to this day, a reminder to focus on what God has given rather than what He has not.
One Comment
Lacey
Beautifully written!! Such great wisdom on suffering and surrender, thank you for sharing your heart. You and your family will be in my prayers as you welcome another blessing!