For the Love of Discipline Book Review
From Sara Wallace:
“What should I do when my kid lies? How should I handle hitting? These are the kinds of questions 99.9% of our discipline conversations revolve around – and they drive us CRAZY. They’re not bad questions, but there are other questions we should be asking ourselves that will actually take off some pressure. They require looking at attitudes instead of actions: What am I doing on a daily basis to teach my child respect? Does my child understand he/she is under authority? How do I show my child there is an objective standard of right and wrong? These have to do with the day-to-day tone we set in our homes – a tone of love, authority, and mutual respect and kindness. How do we let our kids talk to us and to each other in the home? Do we hold them accountable to obey in the little things as well as the big things? This places every discipline situation within the greater context of daily shepherding. No discipline situation stands alone. Look behind the action to the attitude. That’s your starting point.” ….
“I didn’t write this book because discipline comes easily to me. I wrote it because my kid pushed your kid into the pool at swim lessons.”
Where do I start?! I had the honor of receiving an advance copy of For the Love of Discipline, and I could not have received it at a more opportune time. Let’s be real, some days having 3 boys, 3 and under I feel like I am drowning and just trying to survive.
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Ever since our first was 9 months old and he started to act in ways we didn’t want him to, I feared discipline- I didn’t want to mess it up (for fun, you can read my initial thoughts 9 months into motherhood at this post, here). I wondered about the how tos (do we spank, do time out and what do we do for what offense? etc and where does Jesus fit into all of this?) I wanted an experienced wise mom to say when he does X, you do Y. Of course, I (the Math major) wanted a formula. The further along I get into this parenting journey, the more I realize parenting is an art and not a science. There are many great principles, but no formulas that work for every parent-child combination.
On my quest to find the perfect {non-existent} “formula”, I have read SO many parenting books, and it seems they fall into one of two camps: practical advice or a theological perspective, and so often I felt like they didn’t apply to the little years. As I was reading them, I thought, “Oh, this is great for when they are 6 or 10 or a teenager, but what do I do when my 18 month old screams for every reason under the sun?”
This book is my new favorite on the subject of discipline because Sara beautifully and humbly addresses both: the heart behind the discipline and the practical how tos, sharing stories and examples from her own life as a mother of 5 young boys. I highlighted so many of the pages, and started implementing some of her ideas right away.
Sara talks about a subject near and dear to my heart: the idea of training (practicing what behavior and language you want your children to use during a time when they are not misbehaving). One example she gives which I have already found so helpful is to teach your young ones the concept of being a peace-maker (making peace vs. breaking peace). She shares about how she set her young boys down and drew a broken heart and some stick figure images that demonstrated actions that would break peace and a full heart and images that would make peace. Later when her boys would get into an argument, she would ask, how can you make peace? C (3.5) and D (2) love each other so well, but they definitely have their share of arguments, and this concept of teaching them how to make peace themselves, even from a young age has already been so helpful for us. This is just one example of many wonderful tips Sara shares. Another peace of practical advice she gives on training obedience is the concept of teaching word-bundles (ex: “Come to Mommy” = having all of her boys run to her, eyes looking up at her ready to listen). She urges us to think about consequences not as a check-list, but rather a place where we seek the wisdom of the Holy Spirit for what our child’s heart may need in that situation. She talks about giving grace, but not in a way to excuse ourselves from handing out consequences at all. I LOVE her section on avoiding the pitfalls of “too much” and “too little”, as I can find myself swinging to either end of the pendulum.
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She reminds us that we must discipline ourselves to discipline our children (because it starts with us), and the motivation she gives from Scripture. She uses Gospel language (kindness, thoughtfulness, peace-maker, etc) when she speaks to her children, defining words in a way that is age appropriate. She reminds us, “Discipline is not something we do to our children, it’s something we do for them.” I could go on and on, as I just LOVE how balanced she is- addressing the heart (in the first half) and how-tos (in the second).
In short, I feel encouraged, empowered, and equipped to wake up in the morning and shepherd my boys, and to see discipline more as a joy instead of an obligation. “I have this brief opportunity to use discipline in order to teach them all about sin, grace and the character of God.” We shouldn’t be surprised when our children disobey. We should expect it, and have a plan in place, but more importantly the proper perspective (that it is not about the behavior but about their heart). What a privilege we have to train our children up!
I have looked forward to mothering since I was a young girl, and once Jesus saved me, even more so, as I could not wait to disciple my kids one day. However, I had so much trouble knowing what exactly that looked like or thought it was something that waited until they go a little older. My expectation and reality didn’t quite measure up when God added 3 babies to our family in 3 years (let’s just say I have not slept much for the last 3 years), and I had lost some of that vision. This book has helped me have a renewed perspective in seeing how the Gospel fits in my day to day while I am in the trenches. Discipline can be SO foundational to setting the stage for our kids to know Jesus, and it starts now. It is so much more than just outward behavior modification, and I am excited and challenged to start thinking about how to reach my sons’ hearts. I wish I could be friends with Sara in real life! And I am just so, so thankful for her mentoring from afar. Find more from her, at her website, here: The Gospel Centered Mom.
I love her post on handling tantrums here: 3 Tantrum Training Tools.
For all my best tantrum tools and things I’ve learned through trial and error when it comes to discipline, check out my tantrum series (including video lessons), which can be found here.
I hope you enjoy
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One Comment
Melissa Henderson
Amazing book for parents and grandparents. 🙂